


Come morning light

by Kittyxuchiha11



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, F/F, Lexa is mildly confused but likes pretty girls and flowers, Linctavia - Freeform, Soulmates, clarke is really gay for Lexa, ranya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-06-09 17:04:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6915730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyxuchiha11/pseuds/Kittyxuchiha11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her name is on your lips when you wake up. Your dreams are full of the usual flashing images of forest green eyes and soft curls. She’s a mystery to you, a girl you see in your dreams but you swear you’ve never met. Sometimes you hear her voice, it’s soft and gentle, everything her appearance seems to suggest. She whispers words to you in a language you don’t  know, but somehow understand. Her fingertips run over your skin and you awake with a shiver. </p><p>Modern day reincarnation AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Song for this chapter: Safe And Sound - Alex Goot cover  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKndfk6W3iA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spotify playlist for this fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/112717816/playlist/2IGp86Tztp57zMyCzXNGkR

Her name is on your lips when you wake up. Your dreams are full of the usual flashing images of forest green eyes and soft curls. You mouth her name over and over again, your blue eyes staring up at the off shade of white that covers the ceiling. She’s a mystery to you, a girl you see in your dreams but you swear you’ve never met. Sometimes you hear her voice, it’s soft and gentle, everything her appearance seems to suggest. She whispers words to you in a language you don’t know, but somehow understand. Her fingertips run over your skin and you awake with a shiver. 

Her name is on your lips.

It always is.

You never believed in anything to do with past lives or soul mates but then she came into your life and it’s the only explanation you can think of now. That she was someone who was special to you in another life. Hell maybe even another universe, and for some reason she won’t leave your mind. Like your souls are entwined together, or some crap like that.

You don’t really give any sort of thought to her as you go about your day to day life. After all life is hard and you need to actually have a clear head for working. She’s absent from your mind until you see a girl with brown curls in the street and have to do a double take. It’s not her, of course it isn’t but this part of you somehow always manages to pick out details of people and try match them to hers.

Whoever Lexa is, you’re sure she doesn’t even exist at this point. She’s a fragment of your imagination that you just can’t let go.

Except, she really isn’t and you know it.

It’s a Thursday night and you don’t think you’ve ever been so cold in your entire life. The air around you feels like it’s biting at your skin and you just want to get somewhere warm. You can see your breath when you breathe out and you almost expect it to start snowing as if you’re in some sort of cheesy movie. You sure do look the part for it anyway. The blue eyed girl in a woollen hat and dark jacket stopping to breathe on her hands and rub them together to try get the feeling back in them. You curse yourself for not bringing gloves. Although really, you know you left in such a hurry for work this morning you didn’t even have a chance to find a pair, if you own any at all.

It’s only after you open your eyes after letting out a quick sigh that you realise you’ve stropped in front of a small flower shop with colourful candles burning in the window. For some reason, you’re drawn to it. You think it’s probably because your brain is telling you it’s your mum’s birthday and you should really get her some sort of present before meeting her for dinner later. Or maybe it’s the thought of the warmth awaiting you if you go in. Either way, you decide having a look around can’t hurt.

You almost cringe as you walk in and a little bell above the door rings. The place is empty and the first thing you notice is the heavenly smell of scented candles. You’d never admit it but you really do like it when your mum brings you scented candles and lights them to air out your small damp apartment. It makes you feel safe, secure even, and you’re not quite sure exactly why the simple smell of a vanilla candle does that to you. The warmth of the room makes you smile, another sigh escaping your lips as you breathe in the warmth and scent that makes you feel as if you’re well and truly home.

The flowers in the room seem to shine brightly at you, although you know that’s impossible. A particular bouquet of white flowers grab your attention and before you can stop yourself you’re walking over to them. The click of your boots on the white tiled floor sounds impossibly loud and the warm atmosphere seems to shift entirely as you now stand next to the flowers, looking at them with a strange feeling in your chest. it’s like you’ve seen these before, like they’re somehow important.

_My people use them as a sign of surrender, to show we’ll surrender everything for love._

You shake your head, not quite believing what you’ve just heard. It’s her voice, you knows it is. It’s a distant dream trying to pull you in, but you won’t let it. Of course your head would make up some poetic bullshit about flowers to make you feel less lonely and tired. They’re just flowers after all. Some nice white flowers that you know Abby will love and that’s all there is to them. Your life isn’t special, it isn’t some dramatic movie. You just have weird dreams that you seem to remember way too well.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you come in” A voice says.

You stiffen, your body frozen as your heart races. There’s no mistaking it, it’s her voice. She isn’t real. She isn’t real and you know it. It’s your mind playing tricks on you, making you think you actually hear her voice, but it’s still all in your head.

Footsteps make their way across the floor towards you and you finally shift your gaze to the girl as she stops in front of you. You forget how to breathe for a moment and all you feel is panic rising in your chest. Her green eyes bore into yours as a small smile tugs at her lips. 

She’s real and standing right in front of you.

“Lexa…” you manage to breathe out eventually with a staggered breath,

She looks at you, something flashing across her eyes before she looks down at the name tag pinned to her shirt. “I’m glad the font isn’t too small to read. It’s rare that customers actually bother to address me by my name” she says with a quirky smile and you feel yourself falling back into that comfortable atmosphere yet again. She’s just as stunning as she is in your dreams and god, you feel absolutely captivated by her intense gaze.

You realise you’ve been standing there idly for way too long and she’s now looking at you strangely. She probably thinks you’re some sort of freak, would think you’re mute if you hadn’t just said her name so softly.

“I’m Clarke” you say slowly, reaching out your hand to her. She happily takes it, the smile retuning to her face and she squeezes your hand it a firm handshake. Her hands are a little bit rough, but not unpleasantly so. She lets go of your hand, turning towards the flowers you were admiring and her smile seems to spread even wider.

“You have a good eye for flowers, these are my favourite” she states simply, delicately reaching out to run a finger across a silky white petal. “Do you know the meaning behind these flowers, Clarke?”

The way she says your name makes you gulp down the lump that’s been forming in your throat ever since you set eyes on her. The way she clicks the ‘k’ seems so familiar and you have to take a quick breath to remind yourself this is just some girl you’ve never met before. She’s someone who just happens to resemble the girl who appears in your dreams. Nothing should be familiar about her, but it is. It is and it’s making your head start to throb.

_You were born for this Clarke, the same as me_

“These flowers are said to be hundreds of years old. It’s said that people used to use them as a sign of surrender, to show-” 

“They’ll surrender everything for love” you finish, your heart nearly stopping as you see’s Lexa’s eyes widen. For a moment, you think you see recognition cross the other girls face, but if there was anything it’s gone as soon as it appears.

“I’m impressed you know that” she says softly, her expression different from before. Somehow much softer, understanding even.

“Someone once told me. Someone…special” is all you manage to say in something barely above a whisper. You didn’t even need to think. Your mind had the answers for you, although you’re not quite sure what the words mean. She nods, her eyes meeting yours and your breath hitches. This seems all too familiar, like a hazy memory.

_This is goodbye then, for now_

“Clarke?” she asks, concern evident in her voice. It might just be your imagination but you swear her eyes dip down to your lips. That’s when reality hits you and realise you’re pushing your weird feelings for someone you’re sure doesn’t exist onto this poor innocent girl just because she looks like her.

You clear your throat, tearing your eyes away from hers and placing some distance between you. “I’m fine”

She seems to sense the shift in you and looks towards the flowers again, a smile on her lips once again but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Who are you buying for?”

“My mom” you answer quickly, nerves still on edge “It’s her birthday, and I’m meeting her for dinner later so I thought I better get her something”

Lexa nods, her eyes flickering to you for just a moment before they’re back on the flowers “That’s a lovely thought, Clarke. I’m sure she’ll really appreciate them”

You smile back at her and just as her smile didn’t reach her eyes, you know yours doesn’t either. You’re being polite, trying to not look like a complete idiot in front of her. If she see’s the fakeness in your smile she doesn’t say anything, she simply nods towards the flowers.

“There are others if you’d like to see them”

You glance around the shop at the other colourful bouquets but they somehow seem out of place. They’re too colourful, too vibrant and loud. The blues and reds are harsh and blinding against the soft whites. An unfamiliar feeling makes itself known in the pit of your stomach and it takes a moment for you to realise it’s dread. The colours remind you of something, something you’ve tried to push away. You’ve seen it in your dreams before, the royal blue and red. Red makes you feel weary and so does that shade of blue. All the flowers seem to merge to those colours and you feel the lump in your throat back again. You try to swallow it down but you cant and suddenly your flooded with memories of blue and red. Blue and red, blue and-

_Heda and Wanheda_

“Do you know what these are called?” Lexa’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts and as you quickly turn to look into her eyes you feel that panic gripping your chest tightly. You do know the name, it comes into your head straight away. But you shouldn’t know it. You shouldn’t know it because you’ve never seen these flowers before in your life.

“Priamthus” you say, it coming out more as a gasp that anything else. You feel as though the once warm atmosphere has turned cold and terror ripples through you. The air is too thin and before you even realise it you’re staring at her, begging her to help you with your eyes wide and your breathing laboured. Her eyes widen like they did before but she looks more shocked this time. Her expression giving away her true feelings for the first time since you’ve walked in here and it makes the tightness in your chest only increase. 

You hear a gunshot, see black covering your hands and for the first time what once was a distant nightmare becomes all too clear and you can’t escape. You see her being shot, that look of shock spreading across her face as she drops to the floor and all you want to do is scream.

Everything is distorted, nothing making sense and you don’t realise Lexa is saying your name until she grips both your shoulders roughly and shakes you slightly. The fuzziness leaves your sight and you become a little less disorientated as you concentrate on her eyes pouring into yours with enough concern to make your stomach flip.

“Clarke” she says again, firmer this time and your attention snaps fully to her. You still can’t breath, your knees becoming weak from the lack of oxygen and you’re pretty sure if Lexa wasn’t holding you so tightly you would have fallen long ago. Her eyes are fierce and she stares right into your soul as she speaks “Breathe, Clarke.” she commands, taking a deep breath in and then out, trying to get you to match her breathing. And you do, your hands now gripping her forearms for support as you both breathe deeply together. She whispers small encouraging words to you but you don’t really hear them. You hear her voice but you know it isn’t what she’s saying out loud to you, it’s in your head. It’s in your head and you want it to stop. You want her to stop. You feel numb and the ends of your fingers tingle as you ball your hands into fists.

_Don’t be afraid_

You close your eyes and somehow that stops everything going through your head. There’s a silence that you appreciate more than anything else right now and after awhile you realise the only sound you can actually hear is the sound of Lexa’s soft breaths close to your ear and your own still slightly uneven ones still trying to copy her.

When you open your eyes she pulls away from you slightly, the hand she’s placed on your cheek to calm you lingering for only a moment before she pulls that away too. You feel empty for a moment, as if her touch was the greatest gift and it’s been taken away. It stirs another feeling of dread in your stomach so you quickly force the thought away, concentrating on the fact she’s alive and in front of you staring at you with those beautiful green eyes you’ve become so accustomed too in your dreams.

“Are you okay?” she asks wearily, her voice soft and cautious as if she’s scared to set you off again. You feel silly for getting so worked up over something in your head. A nightmare that should have only stayed a nightmare. Locked away reserved only for when you sleep.

“Yeah, sorry” you reply back, licking your suddenly way too dry lips. You feel better now, if anything you feel better than you have in weeks. The shadows that loom over you have subsided for a moment and you’re not sure exactly what’s caused it.

“My nephew is prone to panic attacks” Lexa suddenly says, her eyes looking away almost as if she’s embarrassed at her sudden out burst “I know how to handle them because of him”

You don’t know what to say back to that so you just smile. You feel like you should tell her you’ve never had a panic attack before in your life, but you don’t. instead you offer your thanks and smile at her. She looks flustered, a blush covering her cheeks and although it’s totally inappropriate you can’t help but think about how you suddenly want to kiss that blush away. Your hands are firmly at your side before you can even think about moving towards her.

“Let me get these ready for you” she says eventually breaking the silence that’s fallen upon you both, and you’re for once glad to not be stuck in complete silence. You watch her carefully as she takes the flowers over to a bench, brown curls tossed over her shoulders and bouncing lightly as she strides across the room. You’re captivated by her and you’re starting to wonder if this has all been one incredibly realistic and torturous dream. But when Lexa moves form the bench to the small counter with the flowers wrapped beautifully in an arrangement of pink and purple paper, you can’t help but notice that this is very real. She’s actually real.

You slowly make your way over to the counter, your legs still a little shaky from before but you get there, and when you do Lexa smiles up at you sweetly before going back to the book she’s writing something into.

Your eyes drift from her to the counter and for the first time you notice a display of candles sitting there. On closer inspection you see a symbol you vaguely recognise on the sign of the display at it makes your heart beat just a little bit faster. It’s her head piece, the one you’ve seen her wear in your dreams when her eyes are dark and her face covered in war paint.

“I can’t shake the feeling I know you, Clarke”

She says suddenly, successfully grabbing your attention once again. You just stare at her, not sure what to say. You glance from the candles then back to her before you say the first thing that comes into your head. 

“Maybe we knew each other in another life”

She smiles, her grip on the flowers tightening slightly you notice “That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?”

You nod, not trusting yourself to speak in case you say anything else strange. She seems to notice your want not to talk and quickly rings up your order, smiling politely as you hand over the crumbled up note that’s been through the washing machine at least twice now. 

You’re about to leave, flowers in hand when you hear her voice.

“Goodbye, Clarke”

Your stomach flips, your eyes meeting hers for the last time before you nod and take your leave.

When you arrive at the restaurant Abby seems delighted you’ve actually bought her a gift. She takes the flowers excitedly looking them over before she sets them down on the table and hugs you to her tightly. You pat her back, wanting to roll your eyes at how dramatic she’s making this. She’s always been that sort of mum.

When she releases you she picks up the flowers again, only for something to fall out of the bouquet. You bend down to the ground to get it, only realising once it’s in your hand that it’s a candle. The same symbol from the display in Lexa’s shop is printed on the label. ‘Heda’s candles’ it reads and for some reason that sound familiar to you. When you turn it over that’s when you see the small scrap of paper attached to it.

You just stare at it, slowly reading what it says ‘For if you need help’ and then a phone number scribbled underneath. Clarke isn’t quite sure if she should count this as the weirdest way she’s ever got a girls number before or not, either way it will be one hell of a story to tell Octavia and Raven. 

You're about to place the candle in your bag when you see something written under the phone number. Your breath catches in your throat as the words stir a strange feeling within you.

‘May we meet again’


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spotify playlist for this fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/112717816/playlist/2IGp86Tztp57zMyCzXNGkR

It’s not until two weeks later when you’re sitting in the dark with Lexa’s candle burning beside you that you even consider talking to her again. You have a blank sketch pad in your lap as your eyes look out at the city lights ahead of you. Your apartment may be tiny and not the most luxurious, but it has a great view of the city. You’ve found yourself sitting here many nights just staring at the world going by.

A small sigh escapes your lips as you slouch, your hand fishing the now slightly crumbled piece of paper out your hoodie pocket. Embarrassingly enough you’ve carried her number around with you all this time but not really thinking of ever doing anything with it. It’s almost as if it’s a security thing, its there if you need it, she’s there if you need her. But really, when would you ever need her? What is she supposed to do if you were to call her and need her help. Not that you do. You don’t need her help. You’re fine on your own and always have been.

But tonight your empty apartment feels cold and lonely and there’s this heavy weight just constantly weighing you down. Since seeing her your dreams have been more active to the point where you’re dreaming of her every night. It isn’t the worst thing. But it is a little unnerving seeing all these things about a girl who you’ve only met once. She isn’t the Lexa from your dreams, the Lexa you apparently used to know. She shares the same appearance and name, but that’s as far as it goes. Your Lexa was the commander of the twelve clans, where as this one owns a damn flower shop for gods sake. She’s nothing like her.

You trace your fingers over the digits on the page before reaching for your phone and typing them in before you can convince yourself it’s not a good idea. You think of just texting her but for some reason it just feels wrong. Your heart is urging you to talk to her, so you can hear her voice and feel calm once again. You’re not quite sure that her voice does calm you but you decide to go for it against your better judgement. 

She picks up on the third ring and clears her throat quickly before speaking “Hello?” she asks, sounding cautious, because of course she should be since she doesn’t have your number and has no clue who could be calling her.

“Um, hey. It’s me, Clarke”

“Oh. Hello, Clarke” your breath hitches at her words. She still has that same formality you’re used to in your dreams. Maybe she is exactly like the girl who you must of once been in love with. She’s just grown adapted to this new world she’s found herself in. Or maybe she really doesn’t remember a single thing about you. You shouldn’t remember anything about her either, and that’s what annoys you. What kind of cruel twist of fate would give you a soul mate and then not let her remember you at all. All the while plaguing you with memories of a life you don’t want to think about. Even if you aren’t soul mates or whatever, there’s definitely something there because really, why else would you remember all of this. 

Or maybe they really are just weird dreams, and you really do need to see that therapist your mother had suggested. 

“Are you okay, Clarke?”

You’re about to reply with the answer you give everyone, that you’re fine. But you actually stop for a moment to think. Are you really fine? With all the craziness and exhaustion your dreams have been bringing you lately, life has been different. Waking up in a cold sweat from seeing her die isn’t helping either, why that one memory plagues your mind the most you have no idea. Although, you do know why. You know why that’s the most vivid memory, it’s pretty obvious that you’d remember the love of your life dying.

You feel like laughing at yourself. The love of your life? Yeah right, all this poetic soul mates shit is getting to your head. You Don’t love Lexa, maybe you did in another time, another life. But just now, Lexa is still just the pretty girl who likes flowers and candles a bit too much.

“I’m-” you hesitate, not knowing what to tell her “I’m doing okay”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re feeling better”

You know what she means immediately and your heart picks up it’s pace a little as you realise she must of actually been worried about you. No wonder though, it’s not every day someone comes into your shop and has a panic attack while talking about flowers. Honestly, you’re sort of amazed she even gave you her number. You know if you were in her position you would have been way too freaked out and would want nothing to do with someone who seemed so completely crazy.

“Yeah…I’m glad I am too” you answer softly, the piece of charcoal on the empty drawing pad now in your hand as you squeeze it. It makes you feel as though this is somehow familiar. Hearing her voice with the charcoal in your hand. It’s hazy but there’s something there, you can feel it.

_Jus drein jus daun has always, always been the way of our people_

You inhale sharply at the sound of her voice. So far away and stressed. It makes your stomach flip and you’re definitely not ready when Lexa’s voice comes through the phone in the same worried tone.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine” you answer curtly, the edge to your voice makes you sound rude but you don’t really care too much at this point. The sinking feeling in your chest doesn’t go away as you hear her exhale softly on the other end of the phone. Talking to her was probably a bad idea you realise all at once. After all, she’s triggering all these feelings within yourself that you just want to go away. You want to forget everything about what apparently happened between you both in another time. 

At this point, you want to believe that this is all coincidence and your dreams aren’t memories at all, that you should have nothing to do with her.

“Is there a reason you called?” she asks gently, her voice back to being just as gentle and cautious as it was in the shop the other week. You smile at that, although you’re not really sure why. You’re hoping you’ll get some closure on that really, on why you feel these things for someone who’s all but a distant memory to you.

“I uh” you start, not really thinking before you speak “I wanted to thank you for the flowers”

You hear her chuckle lowly on the line and your heart skips a beat. You’ve never heard her laugh before.

“You’re the one who bought them, Clarke. I thought you’d be used to the idea of using money to buy goods by now”

You know she’s teasing you, it’s obvious from the way you can almost hear the smile in her voice. But something about the way she said it bothers you. You’re over analysing things now, you know that. But you can’t help it. She’s still a mystery to you and you know deep down you’re only speaking to her to try figure out to what extent you’re connected.

“And here I was trying to compliment you” you say, a small smile tugging at your lips as you imagine the smile that must be covering her own face. That wide and beautiful smile and the way her eyes twinkle. It’s etched into your mind, the image of her smiling widely at you, her eyes so full of love and affection that it almost hurts to think about.

“Well, I’m glad you like my flowers” she replies, and you can definitely hear the smile in her voice now “There’s plenty more down at the shop if you want to see more”

“Is that your way of asking me to see you again?” 

“Hmm, possibly” she answers coyly.

You didn’t think this was the direction this call would go in, you thought you’d hear her voice and break. That hearing her voice alone would make you remember everything you’ve been trying to push away. Flirting was definitely not on the cards, but yet here you are.

“I’m still waiting on an answer”

_Do you have an answer for me, Clarke of the sky people_

“I guess I could possibly stop by after work tomorrow” You say passively, more talking to yourself than her. And even though everything in your mind is telling you it’s a terrible idea to see her again, your heart is telling you other wise. You’re always going to be drawn to her no matter what, and now you’ve found her it’s going to be hard trying to stay away.

“I think I’d like that, Clarke” She says, her voice softer and more calming than you’ve ever heard it before. It stirs another hazy memory but you push it away. The moment is calm and peaceful and you don’t want anything to ruin it.

A silence falls upon you and for the first time in your life you don’t feel uneasy. Her soft breaths you can barely hear through the phone calm you more than anything else ever has. You wonder for a moment if you’re taking solace in the fact she’s actually alive and breathing. That you’ve found her and she’s actually real. Or maybe you’re just thinking way too much into this and you’re only so clam because you’re tired and should really get to bed. 

As the thoughts run through your head your eyes wonder around the room. First landing on the laundry pile that needs folding, which you really really don’t wanna do. Then to the window where the city lights are shining back brightly at you. They look like stars, and the stars have always brought you peace. It’s like you once belonged up there. You look away quickly before you can think too much on that thought, and your gaze lands on Lexa’s candle.

“Oh, thanks for the candle, by the way” You say, as if you’ve suddenly just remembered that Lexa did in fact give you that for free. In fact, you probably should of thanked her for that instead of for the flowers first. 

“I was hoping you would like it” Lexa replies casually “It’s the same one that was burning in the shop that day”

You feel yourself full on grinning when a thought crosses your mind “Did you give me it in the hopes I’d burn it and think of you?”

There’s a small pause before you hear her murmur something that sounds like a yes and then some sort of excuse. It makes your smile widen and you actually laugh a little. You remember she’s always loved candles, of course she would bring that with her into another life.

The silence between you drags on a bit too long and you hear her clear her throat before she speaks “I better go”

“Yeah. Yeah of course” you say, trying to push away the feeling of unease that suddenly fills your chest as you think about not being able to hear her voice anymore. You must have had it bad for her, because the way your body reacts makes it seem like every time she goes you’re afraid she’ll never come back to you. Which is insane you know, and makes you want to remember exactly what happened between you and what this all means all the more.

“Goodnight, Clarke”

_Reshop Heda_

Hearing your own voice startles you. You’re used to hearing her but not yourself, and the fact you almost repeat what you’ve just heard to her makes you question what it all means yet again. You really want to figure this out, and quick. 

“Goodnight, Lexa”

*********************************************************************************************************************************

It takes you awhile to find the flower shop again. You almost consider texting Lexa for the address but then realise that makes you seem incredibly stupid. Fair enough that you can’t find it because you’d been so far in your own thoughts you’d taken a completely different route from usual, but it shouldn’t be that hard to find it. 

After about ten minutes of trying to retrace your steps you recognise a sign on a nearby shop and there’s a quick burst of hope in your chest. Your feet carry you forward faster than usual and before you know it you’re stood in front of the shop once again. It’s feels similar to last time, the one main difference is you’re wearing a jacket with deep enough pockets you can shove your hands in. The air is still cold as hell around you, and yet again makes you want to get inside fast. But you stop for a moment, truly taking a moment to study the front of the building.

Candles still burn brightly in the window, different coloured ones from last time you notice and you feel a bit silly when you realise you’re actually excited to go inside and see how these candles smell. It makes you feel like one of those ridiculously girly girls who’s obsessed with candles and soap. You’re the furthest thing from that but you realise you might just pretend to be one of those girls to have an excuse to see Lexa again. 

Although it’s just as dark you seem to notice the big sign above the door now. Woods flowers is what it reads and you can’t quite figure out if it’s supposed to be a play on words because Lexa sells wild flowers, or if Lexa’s last name is Woods. Either way, it brings a smile to your face. You make a mental note to ask Lexa which one it is, and with that you take a few tentative steps towards the door and take a quick breath for confidence as you grip the handle and push the door open.

When you enter, the same calm you felt weeks ago consumes you. You cant help exhaling shakily, a smile once again tugging at your lips. Whatever candle is burning smells sweet but not sickly. The perfect aroma that isn’t too strong or overwhelming and makes you want to stay here forever.

“Clarke” Lexa greets causally, flashing you a small smile as she walks from behind the counter towards you. You give her a small nod of acknowledgment before pushing the door firmly closed to keep the cold out. When you turn back to her she’s standing a few feet away from you, her eyes twinkling the way they always did when she smiled.

“Hey” you say softly, your eyes meeting hers and you can’t keep the smile off your face because she just looks so incredibly happy to see you.

“You look well”

You nod at her again, not quite sure what to say. As before she senses what you’re feeling perfectly and turns her attention to the work bench by the counter. “I was just finishing up a new arrangement. Don’t suppose you’d like to help me?”

“Me?” you echo back at her, watching her lips curve up into an amused smile.

“Yes you, Clarke”

“But I know nothing about flowers” 

“You have a good eye for colour and contrast” She says, her eyes flickering back to yours, and for a moment you’re about to go along with it since it’s the excuse everyone uses to get you to help them with decorating and stuff. That is until you realise that she knows nothing about your art, hell she doesn’t know a single thing about you. That’s when it dawns on you.

“Wait, did you Facebook stalk me?”

“I didn’t per-say” She says and you raise an eyebrow at her that makes her laugh softly “Turns out my cousin Lincoln is friends with your friend Octavia on Facebook. He found you that way and just had to tell me all about you of course”

“You…You talked about me to him?”

“I hope that’s okay” she says with a grimace, maybe for the first time realising it’s weird to tell people about someone you just happened to met in your shop. Surely she must meet loads of people a day, what was so special about you. You know the answer to that but you wish you didn’t.

“I mentioned you to him when he called me that evening and it just so turns out he was on Octavia’s page and saw you in her friends list” she smiles shyly “Sorry, I swear it isn’t as creepy as it sounds”

You’re not sure what to think, especially since you now know that Lexa is linked to you through your friends as well. You know for a fact Lincoln is the guy Octavia was talking to you about going on a date with last week. Life sure likes to throw everything at you at once.

“Your art is really good” Lexa says, bringing you back to reality once again “The colour and style remind me of something. Something… calming and surreal. Like…” she trails off and your breath catches in your throat.

She looks deep in thought and you’re mind is screaming at you to do something to help her remember. You feel your fingers twitch at your side as the urge to reach out and touch her nearly consumes you completely. But you resist, you resist and just watch her as her eyes widen slightly and she laughs softly to herself.

“I sure do sound strange. Anyway, come help me”

You follow her over to the bench, noting the vibrant colours of the flowers. They’re similar to colours used in your latest artist piece you uploaded which was really just an experiment with your new paints. It’s the same red and blue, you painted it thinking of you both. Of the red sash that she used to wear with her armour, and of the blue of your hood and jacket. 

“Do you know the names of these ones?” she asks as if you do. You shake your head, not wanting to tell her exactly how you knew the name of the Priamthus’.

“These blue ones here are called Blatteus and the red ones are Roseusa” she says before running her fingers down the stems to where a small scrap of string is tied loosely. “They’re pretty uncommon but they both go so well together that I knew I had to at least try a display with them”

“They’re beautiful” you find yourself saying before you can stop yourself. She gives you a quick sideways glance as she busies herself with tightening the string and moving on the tissue paper.

“Clarke” she says your name, and it sounds like the best sound in the world you decide “Can you help me with this?”

You nod, edging closer to her to examine the range of colours she has. You talk about the possibilities before you both agree on using orange and purple as they contrast with each other but not entirely with the flowers and it will draw peoples attention to it. Lexa goes to work folding the paper in just the right way almost expertly as if she’s been doing this her whole life.

“You’re really good at this” you say in awe and she all but smirks back at you looking cocky.

“I’ve always been pretty good with my hands, Clarke”

Your face flushes and she laughs loudly. Her laugh is definitely one of the most amazing sounds you’ve ever heard.

“Shut up” you reply slightly higher pitched than usual and it makes you both smile. It’s unusual seeing her so happy and not looking so stoic. You like this Lexa infinitely better than the commander. Mostly just because this one can actually be happy and not have it seen as weakness. With you both smiling at each other it seems like you’re both just two girls enjoying life. You’re just Lexa and Clarke, not Heda and Wanheda. The idea of what happened to you both in a previous life not mattering at all makes a warmth blossom in your chest. How you wish you could have both loved each other like you did back then and not of had any of the other things like the coalition and war to deal with.

You don’t realise you’re in her space and need to move to let her past until your eyes flicker up to hers and see they’re staring deeply into yours. You gulp, opening your mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Her eyes flicker down to your lips, staying there for a second before she’s looking back into your eyes. Her lips are parted slightly and with her hair pushed over one shoulder as it is, it triggers memory so clear you have to close your eyes to make it go.

_Maybe some day you and I will owe nothing more to our people_

When you open your eyes she’s looking at you with that same sadness in her eyes and its almost as if you’ve stepped right back into that memory. You’d be convinced you had if you weren’t still in her shop and she didn’t have the flowers clasped so tightly in her hands the paper is starting to crimple. 

You don’t know what makes you do it but before you can even stop yourself your hand is covering hers. Her eyes don’t leave yours but they widen slightly as your skin touches hers.

“You’re crumpling the paper” you all but whisper and you see her gulp.

She nods at you and you can’t help but smile at her. She smiles back and you realise then that you need to get away from her before you do something stupid. So you do, you clear your throat, drawing your hand away and stepping back so she can make it past you. She just blinks at you, way too caught up in the moment to remember what she was previously supposed to be doing. But when she does you see a blush covering her cheeks and she looks down as she walks past you and over to the counter.

“I was thinking of having them here” she says after a moment, you both taking a moment to push away whatever you both felt. You have a feeling she’s just as confused as you to where these sudden strong feelings have come from.

You look up to see her placing a vase right next to the register on the other side to the candle display. You nod at her, making your way over. You make sure not to stand not close too her and you know she notices because she shifts her gaze uneasily form you to the flowers in her hands.

“They’d look nice there” you offer, trying to make the atmosphere a little less awkward. She nods at you and sets about placing them in the vase in the best angle to be seen from the door. Watching her makes you feel strange. You’re used to her looking different obviously but she’s still Lexa and that messes with your head a lot more than you’d like to admit.

“What do you think, Clarke?” she asks you as she walks around the counter to where you’re now stood to admire her work. You suck in a quick breath as her hand brushes against yours when she comes to a stop beside you. You keep your eyes on the flowers but you know she heard you from the little glance you see her give you out the corner of your eye. 

“They look great”

“Good enough that you’d like to buy them” she tries with a grin and you laugh. She may be your Lexa, but she’s different with the way she now allows herself to be more flippant and cocky. You love it honestly, you love the way she acted before but now she’s actually happy and you’re happy to see that.

“I would love to, but red and blue just aren’t my colours” you say back, trying to sound serious but you fail and her smile widens.

“Can I interest you in anything then? Or did you really just come to see me?”

You roll your eyes and she holds your gaze, not backing down. She wants a response and you know she’s trying to get you to admit you came down here just for her. But you won’t. You’re too proud, and honestly you do sort of want to buy a few more candles form her.

“Actually, I wanted to ask about your candles” you say as you gesture over to them, drawing her attention away from you successfully.

“You liked the one I gave you more than you‘re letting on then?”

“Eh, it was alright” the look she gives you tells you she knows exactly how much you’re lying “I’m not some candle hoe, I just like my apartment to smell of something other than mold okay?”

She laughs loudly, a grin covering her face as she walks over to the display and picks out a few different ones. “Well, as a candle hoe, I’ll suggest a few to you then” 

“This one” She says holding up a purple one with white mixed in with it “Is what is burning just now. I saw your face when you walked in, you like it”

You can’t help but smile as she talks excitedly about her candles, showing you several different colours and smells all obviously made by her. It’s obvious by her enthusiasm and you find it incredibly cute. Someone who could kill several people in the space of ten seconds is a huge nerd who really loves candles and flowers. It’s a little confusing but adorable still.

“I like the name and brand, you look like you know what you’re doing when it comes to marketing and design” You finally say once she’s finally finished explaining exactly what each candle reminds her off and why she chose to make it.

“I did a lot of marketing in business school, but business just wasn’t for me so I opened up this place instead. So yeah, I know business but I guess I just got lucky and threw together something not bad for the design. I’m not too bad, but I should probably get someone who really knows what they’re doing eventually to design everything for me”

“I could give you a hand with it” She looks at you strangely, as if she wasn’t expecting you to offer to help her so quickly. Or maybe she just didn’t expect that you’d want to help at all.

“Really? You’d do that for me. I mean of course I’d commission you, but would you really?”

You shrug as an answer “Not got anything better to do”

“Thank you, Clarke. I was worried about finding someone reliable”

“And how do you know I’m reliable ?” You ask raising and eyebrow at her, she smirks in reply and you feel your heart skip a beat. That’s a sight you could really get used to.

“You’ve posted approximately five paintings on your page within the last two weeks, I‘d say you work fast and are pretty reliable”

“I thought you said you weren’t Facebook stalking me?”

“Yet again, I’m not, It’s Lincoln. And he insists on calling me every time you update. He’s trying way too hard to play matchmaker and pair us up” she admits, the blush coming back to her face and you don’t think you’ve ever seen someone look so cute.

“Lincoln sounds like a real character, although I appreciate the gesture”

Lexa just blushes harder in response and you can’t help but smile. “But really, I’m happy to help with Heda’s candles, if you want me to”

“Yes, thank you, Clarke. I’m sure we’ll come to a business agreement later”

She still looks flustered and you honestly feel a little bad for making her feel so embarrassed. 

“Why the name, by the way?” you ask, suddenly remembering exactly what her candles name translates as.

“Why what name?”

“Heda’s candles. How did you come up with it?”

“I…” she looks serious again, the strange sadness behind her eyes is back and you feel your heart sink when you notice it “It was just sort of something in my head. Like it’s always been there and I just assumed I’d made the word up. So when it came to naming the candles I decided that it should mean something to me. I’ve always heard the word in my head, almost like it’s been spoken by another voice…almost like” she shakes her head, smiling softly “It just had meaning to me so I went with it, that’s all really”

The lump in your throat is back and you try to swallow it and disguise the shock very evident on your face by looking towards the candles again. You try not look at her, but you can see her still staring at you and you’re a little unnerved by it.

“Is Woods another special word to you?” You ask with the most teasing tone you can manage as you try to desperately slow your racing heart.

“Woods is just my surname” She answers quickly and you can’t help but notice the change in her expression. It softens and she flashes you a quick smile as she walks towards the register with a few of the candles she picked out before. 

“I think you’ll like these ones, and I’ll give you a discount on the terms of our new business partnership”

The words don’t even set in until she’s already wrapping the candles in a small paper bag for you. You sheepishly hold out a note to her, this one actually crisp and not gone through the washing machine several times. She seems to notice and it makes her smile.

You take the bag off her with a smile, not before insisting that she keeps the change. You’re both left smiling at each other and it takes you awhile to realise you really better leave. So you stick out your hand for her to shake, trying desperately to push away the memory it brings back.

She looks from your hand to your eyes and then firmly clasps your forearm, surprisingly you slightly. You claps hers back and the smile finds it way back to your lips as you say those words that are still bitter sweet to you.

“May we meet again” 

She looks taken aback for a moment but nods firmly, clutching your forearm just a little bit tighter. You know in that moment that you’re screwed.

It was inevitable that you’d meet her and start to fall in love again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spotify playlist for this fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/112717816/playlist/2IGp86Tztp57zMyCzXNGkR

When you open your door at precisely 7:42am on a Wednesday morning, you sure aren’t expecting to see your two best friends grinning at you on your front door step. You blink, making sure you’re not dreaming, but before you can do anything else Raven has her arms wrapped around you in a tight hug. It takes you a moment but you hug her back, closing your eyes and letting yourself enjoy her warmth and security.

When she pulls back, you see Octavia holding up a paper bag which she shakes at you with a smile spread across her face.

“Thought you could do with something to wake you up”

“So that’s your excuse for being here so early?”

Raven laughs, clapping you on the back roughly. You know for a fact her and Octavia have been out running together and have decided to come see you because it’s on their route. At least they brought you doughnuts, that makes their unannounced visit a little bit better.

“You gonna let us in or are we gonna have to eat your doughnut for you?”

“Not a chance” you say with a smirk before grabbing the paper bag out of Octavia’s hands and walking towards the kitchen, hearing your friends laughing behind you as they invite themselves in. You don’t even turn around to ask them if they want a drink before you flick on the kettle and settle for leaning against a counter as you wait for them to stumble in here. You don’t see each other all the time, but you do enough to know your routine you have when you’re all together. You make them tea, stay in the kitchen to chat a bit before moving through to the lounge, and sometimes Raven has some ridiculous video to show you on her phone.

Today she has a video of pandas going down a slide and you want to roll your eyes at the fact the badass Raven Rayes has a soft spot for cute animals. You wouldn’t expect that from looking at her. She looks like a strong woman who can take on anyone, and of course kick their ass. You suppose that’s why you love her. Because everyone thinks she’s this hardass girl who prefers to work alone than get help from anyone. And yet you know. You know she’s just as soft and sentimental as you are. And she has this really ridiculous soft spot for damn pandas apparently.

Octavia, although you can tell she isn’t as into as the pandas as Raven is, is still enjoying watching them. Ever since you met Octavia you knew she was special. She’s been like your sister for as long as you can remember. It used to just be the two of you against the world. It had been for a long time until Raven came along and suddenly your duo became more. At first you were terrified of sharing your best friend with someone else. But then you realised you loved Raven just as much as Octavia did. That the three of you together was like finally being home after not knowing where you belonged for the longest time. They were your safety when the world turned it’s back.

You love them both dearly and that’s the reason you’re smiling as the panda video ends. It definitely has nothing to do with the pandas at all. Definitely not.

“So O, head you had a hot date” Raven begins with a mischievous grin as she passes the milk from the fridge. You watch as Octavia tries to mask her annoyance.

“I can’t keep any secrets from you, can I?” she says with a small sigh but you know she isn’t upset by the small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

“Of course not. You’re forgetting Clarke has such a boring life that telling me about yours is the only interesting thing she can do”

“Wow, thanks Ray” you say with a scoff and an eye roll, Raven just grins back at you before turning to Octavia again.

“Come on, spill. Who is he?”

Octavia grumbles something about how she’s going to kill you later before accepting the mug you pass her and sipping silently on it. Raven doesn’t let up though, she’s always been this way and it’s almost impossible to get her to give up when she’s set her mind on something. 

“His name’s Lincoln”

Raven takes a drink of her own tea, leaning against the counter casually as she obviously tries to piece together what she knows about Lincoln. “Wait, as in Lincoln from work who’s a total hottie?”

Octavia groans “Please never say the word hottie ever again”

“Ohhh, that means I’m right. Damn O, how did you score that one?”

You watch them with great amusement, sipping on your own tea. You never force Octavia to tell you things. You know she only tells you what she needs to, and it always amuses you how Raven can get anything out of her. That’s Octavia’s only weakness really. She’s vulnerable to the ways Raven works and even when she wants to stay quiet and private, Raven can always drag it out of her. It’s her special talent and both you and Octavia hate her for it sometimes.

“You can’t just get on at me. Clarke has a hot date too”

That gets your attention and you quickly take a sip or your tea. You’re peeking at Raven over the top of your cup and for the first time she just looks sort of confused to hear you’re apparently dating.

“Hold up, Clarke actually has something going on in her life?”

“I do have a life, Raven” You say, placing your cup down on the counter beside you.

“Yeah but your life is boring as hell and you haven’t dated in like years”

“And I’m still not dating anyone” You reply as calmly as you can before you shoot Octavia a quick glare. She’s smirking back at you probably incredibly happy the attention is off her and on you “Octavia just thinks I am”

“Uh huh”

“She’s a friend. We’re not dating”

“Oh but you so are, Lincoln says she talks about you like you’re the best thing she’s ever seen”

You blush, your thoughts instantly going to her sheepish smile when she’d told you that Lincoln knows about you. The way she’d looked to the ground and the first thought that came into your head was how you wanted to reach out to her and tilt her head up. Make her eyes meet yours and to tell her it was going to be okay.

“Okay slow down. So you’re telling me you’re both dating people who are, what? friends?” Raven asks, clearly very confused on just what exactly she’s missed. 

“Cousins” You say at the same time and look over to see Octavia’s smirk. You realise your mistake then that you should have tried to defend that you’re not dating Lexa. You can’t date her, it simply can’t happen. It was a mistake even meeting her, you shouldn’t be together even as friends. They’ll never understand but you know deep down Lexa even being near you is dangerous. You have this gut feeling that she died because of you and that you’re still a danger to her even in this life.

“So you are dating her?”

“That’s not what I said” you groan, covering you face with your hands as you hear Octavia and Raven share a laugh at your expense. When you peek out between your fingers you can see they’re both smiling at you and you’re starting to wonder if that doughnut is worth the trouble of having to put up with them. 

“Come on Griffin, cheer up” Raven says before taking another sip of her tea “Even if you’re not dating her-”

“And you totally are” Octavia pipes in and you both look at her with nothing short of a glare.

“-Then you have to at least tell us about her”

“Why can nothing I ever do stay private anymore?” you ask finally picking your tea back up and downing the lot of it before it goes stone cold. 

“You signed your rights to privacy away the day you became friends with me” Raven replies coolly, looking to Octavia who nods at her statement. They gang up on you a lot and sometimes it drives you crazy. Scratch that, it always drives you crazy. They know how to get any secret out of you. Well Raven does, and Octavia is just there for back up.

“I’m being held hostage in the kitchen until I tell you, aren’t I?”

“And you don’t get the doughnut until you tell us” Octavia says waving the paper bag in her hand. You have to do a double take, your eyes flickering from where the bag was beside you to now where Octavia holds it with a proud smile on her face. She’s always been sneaky but you swear she’s a damn ninja sometimes.

“How did you-”

“I can’t tell you all my secrets now, can I?”

You pout at her, and Raven thinks it’s hilarious as always. You swear they enjoy torturing you like this.

“Fine” you say finally, realising giving them your best puppy dog eyes just isn’t gonna cut it. “Her name’s Lexa”

“Whoa, you mean Lexa who owns Wood’s flowers?”

You just stare at her, trying to figure out how the hell Raven knows about Lexa and her shop. Raven isn’t the type of girl to go crazy over candles and flowers. She’s tough and prefers to spend her days building whatever she‘s working on that day. You Don’t think you’ve ever caught her even looking in the direction of a flower shop. She likes flowers even less than you. Well even less than you pretend to. You’d never admit it but you’re becoming a real sucker for Lexa’s flowers and candles. There always seems to be a bunch of whatever latest flowers Lexa is trying to sell in your apartment, and of course there’s always a candle burning these days. You don’t think you’ve ever spent so much money on either flowers or candles before Lexa came into your life.

Octavia takes you silence as a que to fill Raven in “Yeah, that Lexa”

“Damn” Raven says with a wide smirk “You gotta at least be sleeping with her then because she’s a-”

“Raven” you warn her softly, your voice dangerously low. But she doesn’t take your warning seriously, of course she doesn’t. Her smirk just grows.

“What? She’s hot is all I’m saying”

“You’re so gay Ray” Octavia says with a laugh and Raven shoots her a look.

“I‘m bi, and even you can admit she’s hot miss straighty mcstraigherson”

You can’t help but laugh at Octavia’s seemly new nickname. Octavia sticks her tongue out and flips Raven off in response, which makes them both laugh along with you. As you watch them laugh, you begin to wonder just how They both know what Lexa looks like.

You realise in that exact moment that Lincoln isn’t the only one who’s been doing some Facebook stalking. You should have known that as soon as you told Octavia about Lexa that she’d go full on detective mode and get Raven involved in figuring out who this mysterious girl is. You should’ve known better, they always do this. They did this with Finn too and that just weirded him right now. Although, you have a feeling Octavia would still at least know of Lexa’s existence thanks to the fact it seems Lincoln is your number one fan girl and cant wait for you guys to get together. You haven’t even met this guy yet, but you suspect you know exactly the kind of guy he is.

“Well, I gotta get to work” Raven says as she slides her cup across the counter towards the sink “Not everyone is lucky enough to actually have Wednesdays off”

You watch as she hugs Octavia tightly then looks back at you, obviously expecting you to walk her to the door. So you do, and when you get there she pulls you in for a just as tight hug. You hug her back just as tightly, taking in ever last moment of safety you can before you both pull back and smile at each other softly.

The way she looks at you triggers something and for a second your vision goes blurry. You try to push it away but you can’t. You want to get her away from you as quickly as possible but now she’s just looking at you with this confused look and you know it’s because you’re still staring at her probably looking terrified.

_Do you love him?_

_I hardly know him_

Hearing her voice scares you enough, but when you hear your own voice following it you swear you feel your heart stop. You suddenly feel incredibly sick and Raven looks generally concerned now. No wonder, if you look as bad as you feel you’d be worried too. 

“Clarke, you okay?”

You flinch when she touches you, your eyes wide as they search her face for something to tell you this is all a bad dream or even a nightmare. The stuff with Lexa is hard to explain but makes sort of sense. But even the thought of knowing Raven before this terrifies you. This is all too weird. You just want to be a normal girl again and not have to hear all this shit from who knows when. You can’t of known Raven then, it just isn’t possible. Surely you would have remembered from being around her so much or she would have definitely shown up in your dreams years ago. You should have dreamed about her long before Lexa ever appeared to you. 

“Clarke” Raven says harshly and for the first time you can finally focus on her and see she looks just as scared as you do.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, guess I haven’t eaten for awhile and I’m spacing out”

“Damnit Griffin, don’t worry me like that” 

“Sorry, I’ll go kick Octavia’s ass for that doughnut now”

“You better” she says with a small smile. You can tell she’s still worried about you but she tries not to show it “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Get to work already” 

She grins at your answer, looking much calmer now she’s seen you acting as you usually do “Yeah, see you round loser”

You close the door and breath a sigh of relief. Whatever that was it was really really weird. your mind must just be playing tricks on you, trying to get you to go crazy because whatever you just heard can’t of been real. 

You know better than to doubt it since it hasn’t been wrong about Lexa yet. But you push it away still, not wanting to believe that your friends had anything to do with this life you shared with Lexa. You want to believe it was just the two of you and you remember it because you’re soul mates. That’s all it is and believing you’re soul mates is a lot easier to understand than the fact everyone you know, you could have known in another life. 

When you finally walk back into the kitchen you find Octavia looking at her phone smiling. You’re about to ask if she’s found more cute animal videos but that’s when you realise she’s texting someone. She finishes her text and looks up at you expectantly, maybe you didn’t enter the room quite as quietly as you thought you did.

“Breakfast time?” you question as she gathers up all your cups and places them in the sink. She nods back, making a grab for the bag and following you through to the lounge where you both settle next to each other on the couch.

“So” she says after licking the sugar off her lips and placing her doughnut down on the coffee table “What are you doing today?”

“What do I usually do on Wednesdays?”

“Spend the day with me, duh”

You roll your eyes “If you replace ‘me’ with ‘Netflix’ then you’re right”

“Ohhh, you gonna Netflix and chill? Is Lexa coming round?”

“The only Netflix and chilling I’m doing is with myself”

“Gross Clarke, I didn’t wanna get that mental picture stuck in my head”

You stick your tongue out at her before taking another quick bite of the doughnut in your hand. You realise she’s finished hers already and begin to wonder if maybe her ninja skills she seems to have include being able to eat things at the speed of light.

“But seriously, do you have plans for today?”

“If Netflix and eating an entire tub of ice cream myself don’t count, then no I don’t”

She grins like that’s the best news she’s ever heard “Good, because you’re coming out with me today”

You go to protest but you can tell by the look she’s giving you there’s no arguing yourself out of this one. You guess that you aught to hang out with her, that you owe her it really. You haven’t spent a decent amount of time with her in weeks and you know she hates just talking on the phone and not being able to actually see you. You’ve suggested skyping but apparently what she means by actually see you is be in the same room. You’d prefer skyping really, then you can watch your TV shows discretely while still talking to her.

“And what exactly are we doing today?”

“Meeting up with Lincoln” she says casually as if its something as simple as the weather. You’d think she’d be nervous as you’ve not met Lincoln before and introducing your friends to your boyfriend is kind of a big thing. But no, Octavia seems perfectly happy and calm.

“Don’t you think you should ask Lincoln if that’s okay?” you ask cautiously, she just shrugs.

“I already asked him. He’s _very_ excited to meet you” 

“What if I’d been busy?”

“Then I would have made sure to ‘accidentally’ bump into you with him”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes at her yet again. She’s unbelievable, but she’s happy and you’d rather see being silly and happy like this than how she was last year. You never want to see her like that ever again. 

“You won’t be a super third wheel, I promise” she says giving you her best smile and you know you’re done for. She’s your best friend and when she gives you that look you simply can’t say no. Plus you guess you need to eventually meet Lincoln and decide if he’s good enough for her. Not that she’d ever listen to what you have to say about him. When Octavia has her mind set on something she goes for it no matter what. You guess that’s exactly how she became friends with Raven so easily, they’re both terribly stubborn.

“Fine, but you’re buying me lunch”

She’s already typing excitedly on her phone before you can even finish your sentence. You have a feeling she’s up to something no good, but then again when isn’t Octavia scheming something?

********************************************************************************************************************************

When you arrive at the mall you’re practically dragged towards Starbucks before you can even get a good look around. It’s not as busy as it usually is, which you’re actually really happy about. It’s not that you cant do social situations or anything, you just really hate crowds and the feeling of hundreds of people watching you. You’ve never really like the attention. It reminds you of something, something that makes your stomach churn and your chest hurt if you think about it too hard. It’s as if once you were in fact being watched by hundreds of people. That you were important and you were being watched because you were about to do something terrible. Something you shouldn’t but you had to no matter how much it hurt the people around you.

You feel a wave of nausea hit you strongly and you actually stop, staring straight ahead willing your stomach to settle. Its so stupid for you to get worked up like this over nothing. That some stupid little inkling to something you’ve made up in your head to make your life exciting can make you feel psychically sick. You’d been told when you were a child that having such a wild imagination was a good thing. You’re not so sure about that now.

“Clarke, you good?” Octavia asks, tugging on your arm lightly. You nod quickly, taking a quick breath before continuing to walk the rest of the way to the Starbucks in front of you. 

When you enter you see someone waving at you. Confused you turn around, seeing Octavia grinning widely and then pushing past you to run over to the man and hug him. It clicks then that this must be Lincoln.

When the happy couple are finally done hugging you make your way over to them cautiously. You’re still a little shaken and honestly don’t feel the best but you force a smile as you come to a stop beside them.

“Clarke, this is Lincoln, Lincoln, this is Clarke” Octavia says nudging you softly until you hold out your hand for Lincoln to shake. He looks from your hand to your eyes before smiling and pulling you into a giant hug. You stiffen against him, trying to tell your nerves it’s okay and he’s just a guy who’s excited to see you. He isn’t going to hurt you. You’re fine.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you Clarke” he says gently “I’ve heard so much about you” You’re surprised by how soft and calming his voice is. You didn’t expect that. But then again you didn’t expect the Lincoln Octavia had told you about to be like this. You’d expected him to be a lot smaller and kinda nerdy looking. He’s neither of those things, in fact he’s the complete opposite with large muscles and pretty good looks. You realise you’ve been picturing this guy completely wrong the whole time.

“Lincoln did you want-”

Your eyes go wide at her voice and you turn towards where the sound came from almost instantly. You don’t expect her to actually be standing there looking as shocked as you do. You thought her voice was in her head, that this was another weird flashback. But she’s standing in front of you and there’s this look on her face that you’ve never seen before. She looks confused, scared even. You don’t like it at all.

“Clarke” she greets quietly, looking at Lincoln for an explanation. He just smiles and looks to Octavia, who’s also smiling.

Oh. Oh no they didn’t. This is supposed to be some sort of weird double date. You can tell by the way they’re smiling at each other. You definitely want to run home and hide now.

“You must be Lexa. What a surprise bumping into you here” Octavia says with the biggest shit eating grin you’ve ever seen in your entire life. You’ve never wanted to disown her more than you do now. You should have known really, there’s no way she would have been this happy just getting you to come meet her boyfriend.

“Accidentally huh” you grumble under your breath, gaining a quiet laugh from Octavia who by now can hear every single one of your sarcastic comments no matter how quietly you seem to say them. 

You see something flicker through Lexa’s eyes as she seems to understand exactly what’s going on here. She doesn’t glare at Lincoln like you’re currently doing to Octavia. She simple draws her mouth into a tight line and shakes Octavia’s hand politely. 

She remains looking tense and possibly uncomfortable for some time, even after you’ve all sat down and are making small talk. You try to concentrate on what Lincoln is talking about, you really do. But with Lexa beside you looking so troubled you cant concentrate. All you can think of is how you want to reach for her hand under the table and hold it like she’s the most delicate creature in the world. How you want to kiss her lips until her frown disappears and she smiles that gorgeous smile at you.

Of course you’re just being kind of weird again, having to remind yourself that you cant just kiss your friends. Lexa isn’t even your friend really, kissing her would be like going up to any pretty girl and just kissing her for the hell of it. That only ends in two ways. Either getting arrested and done for sexual harassment, or being slapped by said girl. Maybe even both. Not that you think Lexa would ever hurt you, just that you don’t think she’ll exactly appreciate you kissing her. After all, she still remembers nothing about you.

You nearly jump out your skin when you feel something touch your thigh. You look down half expecting to see your lunch now in your lap because you’ve knocked it off the table of something. But the cake and coffee Octavia bought you (as promised) is still very much intact and on the table. What’s resting on your thigh is nothing less than Lexa’s hand. If you didn’t know better you’d say you’d died and gone to heaven.

“You haven’t touched your lunch, Clarke” she all but whispers in your ear and you can’t stop the shiver that rushes through your body. Her breath is warm against your ear and her hand is even warmer where it’s gently rests on your upper thigh. You feel as though you may explode from her touch alone but you try to keep your cool. Trying even harder to push the thought of kissing her out your head now.

“I’m not that hungry, I guess” you reply back as calmly as you can. She see’s right through it as she always does, her eyebrows crinkling in confusion for a moment before she looks down and seems to notice for the first time how she’s touching you. She quickly removes her hand, a faint blush tinting her cheeks as she quickly clasps her hands together tightly in her lap. You miss her touch almost instantly. It takes everything in you to resist the urge to just reach across and take her hand.

“What are you guys whispering about?” Lincoln asks as both him and Octavia seem to notice you and Lexa aren’t listening to them anymore.

“Clarke doesn’t like coffee” Lexa says, obviously panicking. You think it’s incredibly cute. She’s the biggest nerd you’ve ever seen. No wonder you used to love her.

“You sure you guys haven’t been on a date yet?” Octavia asks with a teasing grin and you want to slap her for how coy she looks. It’s bad enough you’re here being tortured by a happy couple. But having the girl you dream about every single night sitting next to you, and not being able to even tough her like you want to, it’s horrendous. You really wish you’d tried harder to stay home now. Coming here was a huge mistake.

“Clarke likes sweet tea but not herbal” Lexa answers matter of fancily and Lincoln looks particularly startled at her answer. Octavia joining him in looking rather taken aback, and all you can do is gape at her because how the hell does she know that? You’ve never talked to her about how you like your tea and how fussy you are about it.

“And just how do you know that?” Octavia asks recovering the quickest out of all of you.

“I…” she stops her eyes are clouded over as she bites her lip. Almost as if she’s trying to remember but the memory isn’t quite clear enough. You know that feeling all too well. She blinks, her face scrunching up with a look of distress “I’m not sure”

The desire to reach out to her is even stronger now. She looks so hurt and confused. The look reminds you of the moment you see nearly every night in your dreams. You don’t dare close your eyes even for a moment because you know you’ll see it. You take a quick shuddery breath and look down at your hands. You feel as though you can’t breath as you see the black covering them. The panic surges up within you and for a moment you feel absolutely powerless.

But you push it away, telling yourself it’s not real. it’s not real, she’s fine, she’s alive. You didn’t kill her, you never wanted to hurt her. She’s here right next to you and she’s alive.

You blink and your vision is clear, your hands clean and not covered in her black blood. Air easily fills your lungs now and you gulp it down greedily, standing abruptly in the hope you can get away before anyone notices you nearly went into a full blown panic attack. You try to leave the table, making a quick dash towards the toilets but something grabs your wrist. Your first instinct is to shake it off and run but it just holds on tighter. Your eyes flicker to the source and you’re very aware you must look deadly pale. Lexa’s looking at you, looking just as unnerved but she smiles at you, squeezing your wrist gently.

“Going to the bathroom?” she asks politely and you nod, because really what else can you do? Your throat is dry and you want nothing more than to shut yourself away for awhile. 

“I need too”

You don’t say anything as she stands with you. You see her throw a look back to Lincoln who looks pretty shaken. You’re a little confused to why but your mind is too fuzzy to even try understand.

“Don’t have too much fun in there guys” Octavia shouts with a grin. If you didn’t feel like you’re about to pass out you’d shout something back at her, but you don’t. You just keep walking, Lexa closely behind you still holding onto your arm. If that’s to reassure you or for her own gain, you don’t know. But you don’t complain at the touch.

When you get into the bathroom you lean heavily against the counter, your head in your hands as you take slow deep breaths to calm yourself down. You must look pathetic you’re quite aware, leaning over a damn bathroom sink trying not to cry because god knows what triggered some stupid thing in your brain. You hate it, you hate it so damn much.

You don’t react at first when you feel a hand on your back, rubbing circles soothingly, but you soon melt into the touch, your shoulders relaxing as Lexa delicately runs her fingers over your spine.

“You’re okay, just breathe”

So you do. You breath and close your eyes, your mind wondering to the soft feeling of furs beneath you and hands tracing distant shapes on your back as you’re securely tucked into her neck. If it’s a memory or something you’ve made up in your head you don’t really care. It brings you peace and for the first time in weeks you aren’t hating the fact all you can think of, feel and smell is Lexa.

You feel her hand stop rubbing your back but it stays firmly planted there while she reaches around you and pushes the tap on. “Splash some water on your face, it’ll help” it sounds like a command although her tone is still soft and cautious. You find yourself not wanting to disobey her. 

She helps you push your hair out of your face a little more, holding it back until you’re standing up straight and can finally lift your arms up behind you to pin in back properly using the clips already lodged somewhere in your messy hair. Lexa makes a small noise of approval before moving to the side of you.

“Clarke-” you turn to her at the sound of your name and look she gives you makes your stomach flip. She’s frozen in place, her mouth slightly agape as her eyes are wide and looking at you frantically. You wonder for a second if she’s having a panic attack herself, although she’s normally so calm and collected and you’ve never seen her like this before.

“Lexa?”

She shakes her head roughly, turning away before you can even catch her eye. You go to touch her shoulder to try get her attention again but she quickly walks to the paper towel dispenser and grabs a few towels before walking back to you. She cant quite look you in the eye as she hands you the towels. You’re incredibly confused to why she now cant stand to look at you, but you accept it. You’re almost sad as you look back the mirror even though you have no reason to be really.

It’s only when you go to wipe your face you really notice your reflection in the mirror. Your eye make up has smudged to the side of your eyes and it looks vaguely like some sort of war paint. 

The first images to flash before you are Lexa standing strong in her armour and war paint, but then the images soften and everything shifts. You’re staring into a mirror with paint smudged by your eyes and your hair pulled back similar to how it’s styled today. There’s candles flickering beside you and there’s young girls who are apparently hand maidens chatting idly in that strange language you keep hearing. You tilt your chin up as you watch your reflection in the mirror. You want to look strong in front of the commander, in front of your people.

You try to blink yourself out of the weird vision you’re having but you can’t and you seem to move as though you have no actual control over your body. This is just a memory playing out before you and you have no control. You can feel yourself walking, entering a room and seeing Lexa standing there looking more beautiful than you’ve ever seen. She looks almost majestic in her long gown and you can tell by the way her gaze falls on you she feels the exact same way about your own appearance. 

_We welcome Klark kom skaikru, legendary wanheda and mountain slayer_

You blink and suddenly it’s all gone. You’re back to reality in the harsh florescent lights of a public toilet with Lexa standing uneasily beside you. From her reaction you can only guess she’d remembered something bad. Maybe triggered by your appearance or maybe by something she heard. You don’t think she can possibly remember anything about you, that her reaction must have been to do with something else. But deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. You know because you look just as scared when a memory assaults your own mind.

If she does remember anything, she sure isn’t admitting it. That would be too simple of course. Not that you can blame her, it’s not like you’ve been completely honest with her about everything either. 

“I keep getting this feeling that I’ve seen you somewhere before” Lexa half mumbles as her eyes meet yours in the mirror. You just dab at your face with a paper towel to try make yourself look presentable again.

“Like back at your shop?” You ask to try lighten the mood. She looks a little surprised, probably because she thought she was speaking quietly enough that you wouldn‘t hear, or maybe because she doesn’t think you’re quite up to making jokes yet. 

“Hmm, maybe I’ve just seen you walking past before”

You don’t have the heart to tell her that her shop is no where near your house or your work so that’s not it. So you smile and nod, finally wiping away the remains of your ruined eye make up and placing the paper towel down. It’s quiet for a moment and she doesn’t speak until you’ve started apply your eye make up once again.

“Wanna leave them and walk around for awhile? It’ll probably good for you to walk it off”

You’d take any excuse not to watch Octavia and Lincoln being the super happy couple, so you agree. When you’re both freshened up and look presentable you leave the bathroom to go find Octavia and Lincoln to tell them your plans. Lexa keeps her hand firmly pressed to your lower back all the way to the table and even when you leave the shop. You don’t say anything, but you secretly love how her touch feels.

*******************************************************************************************************************************

By the time you get back to your apartment it’s dark and surprisingly not as cold as its been for the last few weeks. As you near the door Lexa is still trailing behind you, insisting she walk you home. Apparently she also lives near by so it isn’t that big of a deal, but you’re not sure you quite believe her. 

You stop in front of your door and she stops too, you both turning to face each other at the same time. It makes you smile for some reason, although you’ve got to admit Lexa actually looks a bit disappointed that she has to leave you. 

“I had fun today, Clarke” she says with that same little smile and you swear you feel your heart skip a beat. The urge to kiss her is back and you clasp your hands together in front of you to stop yourself from reaching out to draw her in. You don’t think you’ve ever wanted someone to be so close to you as you want her to be just now.

“That sounds oddly like something you say after a date” you say trying to give her a little wink. It fails miserably but it makes you both laugh and that takes your mind off her for just a second. 

“I don’t mix business with pleasure” she replies formally and for a second you think she’s being serious until you see her trying not to smile.

“And today was about business?”

“You showed me some of your design ideas, that was business”

“And the part where we got ice cream?”

She shrugs “Maybe I can buy your services with ice cream”

You give her a little shove as you laugh “Shut up”

“I’m just telling you it was strictly business, Clarke”

You cant help but smile at her. She acts so serious but she has such a childish and free side to her now. She’s everything you wish she could have been before. Not that you remember exactly what she was like, in the whole time you knew her you have a feeling a lot of your memories are still missing. You wonder for a moment if they’ll ever fully return to you. That one day you might remember every single detail of your life together. Or maybe you’re forever doomed to dance around her carefully because you don’t know exactly what happened between you both.

“Who was running the shop today?” you ask suddenly as the thought that Lexa is indeed the owner of her own business and cant afford to close for a day to have a shopping trip. 

“Anya, my sister. She helps me from time to time”

The name instantly makes your head throb and you pray for it to stay as just a dull ache. It’s been a long enough day already, you don’t want to remember anything else.

“I’m glad you have help. Running a business on your own can’t be easy”

She raises an eyebrow at you, seemly amused “It is hard, but it’s manageable”

“That’s good” you reply awkwardly which earns you another amused glance.

“You seem to care about me, Clarke”

“I…” you start, your cheeks warming up at the thought that maybe, just maybe she knows just how deeply your feelings for her apparently run “Of course I do, you’re special”

Something flickers across her face but she schools her expression almost expertly as she keeps your gaze. “You’re special too”

You let out a little puff of air as a smile tugs at your lips. It’s still cold enough that you can see your breath and you watch it swirl in the air aimlessly before is disappears. You’re so caught up watching it that you don’t realise Lexa’s leaning in until her face is right in front of yours.

At first you panic, your mind telling you to back away immediately, but you’re frozen in place. You’re not scared, your heart just knows exactly what you want and you choose it over your head at that moment. You close your eyes, expecting to feel her lips on yours. But instead you feel them barely brush your cheek before she wraps her arms around you tightly in a hug. 

You’re too shocked to move at first, mentally hitting yourself for thinking she would ever even want to kiss you. She doesn’t remember you, she doesn’t like you. You’re business partners and maybe just becoming friends but that’s it. She squeezes you slightly and the response is immediate. You wrap your arms around her and god, you’ve never felt happier. It’s like muscle memory takes over and you hug her the way she wants to be hugged and she holds you the way you feel like you’ve been held thousands of times. It’s safe and comfortable and you feel like something is finally complete, that you’re home. More at home then you’ve ever felt with Octavia and Raven.

It ends far too quickly for your liking, but you can’t help but notice the way she very subtly kisses your cheek as she pull away. 

“Goodnight Clarke, sleep well”

“Yeah” you answer still a bit dazed “text me when you get home, okay?”

She smiles, her eyes crinkling at the sides as they do when she really properly smiles “Of course”

You watch as she walks away, waiting until she’s out of sight before you even begin to try process what just happened. You find yourself smiling as you lean against your door. Even if she doesn’t remember, maybe things will still be okay. Or, things could go catastrophically wrong, as they usually do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spotify playlist for this fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/112717816/playlist/2IGp86Tztp57zMyCzXNGkR

You thought you had more self control. That maybe as the adult you are you would have learned how to say no. But as it turns out you certainly can’t say no, especially when it comes down to saying no to Lexa.

So here you are at a charity event she somehow talked you into not only attending, but managing the face painting station. It’s loud and there are way too many kids running around, but it’s not that bad. You watch her with an odd feeling of pride as she stands on the stage and talks with that little sparkle in her eye. She’s confident and looks practically radiant in the early afternoon sun. You don’t think she’s ever looked more gorgeous than she does smiling away at the people watching her.

“Excuse me?”

You reluctantly look away from Lexa to see a small blonde boy standing beside your table looking nervous. He’s staring at his hands as he fidgets, obviously quite nervous to be talking to you. You know how he feels, you remember being a shy kid once upon a time.

“Yes?” you reply being sure to give him a small smile to try help him relax. It seems to work and he smiles back at you.

“Can you paint my face?”

You look around quickly for any parents that might be giving you death glares. You know what some people are like with not wanting anyone else to touch their child. You think it’s ridiculous that some people are like that. Lucky enough for you though, it seems there are no parents glaring at you. Everyone is too busy watching whoever has now taken over form Lexa on stage. Your guess is the kid got bored watching that and came over. Who could blame him really?

“Of course, what do you want?”

He looks down at his hands again, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. This is possibly the most nervous kid you’ve ever met. All the others who have come to get their face’s painted have all been so bold and loud. But this boy is shy and honestly it’s sort of adorable the way be can’t quite met your eye but is still trying to smile politely.

“A panther”

“A panther huh, that’s an interesting animal”

“Panthers are my favourite big cats. My mama tells me stories of how warriors used to fight them in the wilderness”

“Wow really?”

He nods, his smile turning into more of a grin as he sits down on the chair in front of you. You can’t help but smile back at him as you check to see what colours you have left. You’ve got to admit, a panther is definitely the strangest request you’ve had all day since basically every girl has wanted to be a butterfly and there have been at least eight boys who all wanted to be spider man. Your poor red paint is wearing very thin at this point.

“So” you say as you gently start to paint the whiskers on his cheeks “What’s your name?”

He looks unsure for a second, waiting for you to move the brush away before he answers “Aden”

“Hmm, that’s a nice name. My name‘s Clarke” you reply as you try to figure out exactly how you’re supposed to make this kid look like a panther. The simply answer is go for black and white and blend them together around the whiskers. If it turns out bad then you’ll be getting that glare of his parents like you were expecting anyway.

“You said your mom told you stories about warriors fighting panthers?” he nods “Why don’t you tell me the story?”

You’re just about to start painting his forehead when he suddenly looks to the side. For a second you think maybe he’s seen someone he knows but then he looks to the other side and you realise he’s looking for someone instead. He seems to be squirming again, looking more nervous than he did in the first place.

“Hey, you’re okay” You say in some sort of attempt to calm him down “When we’re done we can find your mom and show her how cool you look, alright?”

“Mama went to work, my auntie is taking care of me for now”

“Well, we’ll find her when we’re done then” You say, feeling a lot less panicked yourself when you see him relax “Now how about this story? I’m sure you’ll be great at telling it”

He nods, staying silent for a moment as you start painting his forehead. “Long ago panthers were known as one of the most dangerous creatures to ever walk the earth. The little villages in the forest were all very scared of the panthers so they sent their warriors to kill them and then they ate them for dinner. The warriors were very brave and always hunted together so they could all fight the panthers, but there was one warrior who wanted to hunt the panthers alone”

“They must have been a very brave warrior” you say as you switch to a slightly finer brush and dab it in the white paint that it also quite worn down.

“She was a very very brave warrior. She was fierce and some people thought she was fearless. She took down the biggest panther there ever was with only a tiny knife. People feared her but also admired her” His eyes meet yours for the first time and there’s something oddly familiar about his eyes “Do you know what the warriors name was, Clarke?”

You look away quickly, your heart thumping in your chest as your head swims. You feel as though you’ve heard this story before, that it’s somewhat familiar and you have no idea how. “No, what was their name?” you manage to say as you start adding the finishing touches.

“Her name was Wanheda, mountain slayer and leader of the sky people”

Your hand freezes, your eyes widening as your eyes met Aden’s once again. He’s looking back at you curiously as if he’s testing your reaction to his words. Your head throbs and you set the brush down shakily as you try to push the memory away. You can feel it coming back to you and you just want this shit to stop. You’re tired of it, you don’t want to remember anymore.

You bite your lip and close your eyes tightly, it seems to make your head clear a little and when you open your eyes again Aden is now looking at you with concern. No wonder he is, you’re probably scaring him. But then again, the fact he knows this story might mean he had something to do with your past, or at the very least his mum might. She is the one who told him the story after all.

“Aden, there you are”

You look up when you hear Lexa’s voice, feeling relieved but the panic is still there deep in your chest. She takes one look at you before she hurries over and is crouching down next to you within seconds.

“Clarke? Are you okay?”

You manage to nod, closing your eyes once again to try clear your head. It seems to work. The feeling of Lexa’s hand pushing the hair out of your face, and her hand lingering on your cheek for just a moment too long also helps, a lot more than you want to admit.

“I didn’t mean to- I would never- I’m sorry”

You open your eyes to see Aden looking terrified, tiny tears welling in his eyes as he tries to stutter out the words. Lexa gives you a quick glance before turning her attention to him, taking his small hands in hers and shh-ing him.

“It’s okay Aden. She’s fine, you didn’t do anything wrong”

“Yeah, I’m fine Aden” you say shakily, clearing your throat and giving him the best smile you can manage while the images of dyed red hair and black panthers are flashing through your mind. “I guess I don’t like panther stories after all”

Lexa laughs, carefully wiping away Aden’s tears “See she’s fine. Now don’t cry, you’ll ruin the lovely panther she’s painted on your face”

You watch them, Lexa smiling and whispering sweet words to Aden as Aden watches her intently. There’s a bond between them like nothing you’ve ever seen. You’ve seen plenty of kids and their relatives at work and you’ve never seen any of them act like these two are. Normally the kids are asking things and the parents just shoot them down and tell them to be quiet, or ignore them entirely. It’s weird to see really, that Lexa is acting a hell of a lot kinder to a kid she doesn’t even know. That’s when it clicks.

“This is your nephew” you say dumbly and Lexa just smiles in reply, looking from you to Aden who now seems to thankfully be a lot calmer.

“Yes. Clarke, this is Aden. Aden, Clarke”

“Is this artist Clarke” Aden asks with wide eyes and you can’t help but laugh softly. Lexa blushes, like properly blushes and nods a yes at him. Aden seems newly intrigued, seemly forgetting just how upset he was just a minute ago.

“You’re gonna make auntie Lexa some pretty new things for her shop, right?”

“Yeah, we’re working together to make her shop look pretty” you answer softly, very amused that Lexa must have talked about you to Aden for him to know so much about you.

“I wanna be an artist one day” he announces proudly “I can draw really well you know”

“Wow really? I bet your teacher at school must love having you in art class”

“She does, she says I’m an absolute treasure” Lexa snorts and you giggle.

“I bet, maybe you can show me your art one day” Aden’s eyes light up at your words and he turns to Lexa excitedly.

“Lexa? Can she come home with us so I can show her that picture I did of Gustus?”

“You have a birthday dinner to go to remember, we don’t have time”

“But-”

“Aden” Lexa says warningly and it shuts him up “Besides, I’m sure Clarke is very busy”

You know that’s a lie as you’re supposed to be going back to the shop with Lexa for ‘business agreements’. You know by now that means drinking sweet tea and having a chat. It’s been nearly two months since you first met Lexa and you have to admit you really do love spending time with her, no matter how painful the memories she makes you remember are.

“But Gustus is so cute and she can see how good my drawing is compared to the real thing”

“Who’s Gustus?” you ask, trying to save Lexa from the endless argument she seems to have gotten herself into.

“He’s my favourite rabbit. He’s black and white and he’s the cutest rabbit ever”

“He’s your only rabbit” Lexa says with an eye roll, apparently forgetting she’s in an argument with a seven year old.

“He’s still my favourite” Aden answers defiantly and it’s honestly pretty adorable.

“Anyway, we’re meeting mama back at the shop, remember?”

Aden pouts, looking pretty disappointed before he turns to you and smiles sweetly “You’ll come visit me and see my art one day, won’t you?”

“If that’s okay” you say looking over to Lexa “Then of course I will” Aden seems content with that answer and smiles happily.

“Aden, why don’t you go play on the bouncy castle?” Lexa says, pointing over to the large bouncy castle on the other side of the field before handing him some money. Aden nods, taking a few steps away before he suddenly stops and turns back.

“Wait, is she princess Clarke from my bedtime story the other day-”

You laugh, looking over to Lexa who can‘t meet your eye at all “Alright, that’s enough, go on”

She watches as Aden goes on his way, only turning back to you when you speak.

“Princess Clarke, eh?”

“I couldn’t think of a better name” she grumbles and your first instinct is to laugh and hug her tightly, but you don’t. You stay where you are and instead pat the chair in front of you to tell her she should sit down. She does as you ask, still looking a bit embarrassed as she finally looks up at you.

“It’s sweet that you named a princess after me”

“It was really just the first name I could think of” she says quickly, pausing before a small smirk pulls at her lips “I mean, you do have the whole flowing blonde hair of a princess thing going on”

“Shut up” you say with a laugh as you give her knee a little nudge. She smiles back at you, that gorgeous smile you’re learning will always make the weird feeling in your stomach appear no matter how many times you see it.

“So, Miss Woods” you start, Lexa raising her eyebrow at you at the use of her surname “What would you like painted on your face today?”

She just looks at you at first, not quite sure if you’re joking or not. She realises you’re serious when you start washing the brushes off for their next use.

“Really?”

“Yeah, come on it’ll be fun. I’ll do you if you do me”

She smirks and you roll your eyes at her. You won’t admit it but you love when she makes the odd dirty joke or laughs at one. It’s so out of character for her, something she would have never done before but now she’s a different person. She’s still your Lexa but she is different, she’s more fun and carefree now and it honestly really warms your heart to see her actually being able to have fun.

“I’m no artist, Clarke” She says, her eyes flickering from you to the paints you’re currently wiping “I don’t think I can even handle a butterfly”

“I’ll make a deal with you” You say, meeting her eyes as you look up at her, she looks back unsurely but nods “If you agree, I’ll not only take you out to dinner tonight but I’ll also wear whatever you do to my face for the rest of the day”

“That’s putting a lot of trust in me, Clarke”

“Yeah, well you’re not Raven so I know you won’t paint a giant dick on my face”

She grins, biting back a laugh as she leans forwards “Okay, you win”

You finish off wiping the brushes, fidgeting with the finest one you still have in your hand “That’s great and all, but you still haven’t answered what you want”

“Surprise me”

You raise an eyebrow at her and she shrugs in response. Before you can even think about it you know exactly what you’re going to do. You would have settled to painting a nice butterfly on her cheek but before you can even stop yourself you’ve already picked up a heavier brush and have begun coating it in black paint.

She seems fixated on you as you lean forward, using your right hand to gently hold her cheek while you try to figure out where the best place to start is. Her eyes are on yours and she has this distant look in them, as if she’s recalling some memory instead of paying attention to what’s going on now.

“Lex, close your eyes”

She seems taken aback, and for a moment you think she’s going to question you about the nickname or something, but she doesn’t. She closes her eyes, scrunching them too tightly at first but soon relaxing.

You tilt her face to the right slightly, starting at her hair line to the side of her eye. Her hair is pulled back in braids and for the first time you realise that she looks a lot more like the Lexa you used to know than ever before. As soon the paint goes on your hand starts to shake and you try your hardest not to mess it up. As you paint over her closed eyes you see her flinch slightly, and although your hand is shaking you find yourself gently running your thumb across her cheek in some sort of comforting gesture. Surprisingly, she actually leans into your touch, a small smile appearing on her lips as you take away the brush. You switch to a slightly smaller brush as you paint under her eyes and you don’t even need to think about what you’re doing as you carefully smudge the paint down her face.

When you’re done you quickly get a wipe form the packet beside you and clean your hands, not wanting to have the black on your hands any longer than you have to. It always reminds you of her blood now, so much that even using black in your paintings makes you panic. You fumble for the mirror, gripping its handle a little harder than needed as you take a quick breath to calm yourself.

Your eyes met hers as you look up and you feel as if you can’t breathe. Her green eyes are staring right back at you and with the black paint around them it triggers a memory so strongly you can’t push it away no matter how hard you try.

_You blink and you’re in a large tent, Lexa standing in front of you with that same intense look on her face. Her eyes shine against her war paint as she looks at you, she looks conflicted, not sure what to do next._

_“You think our ways are harsh, but it’s how we survive”_

_“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving” the words come out your mouth and it takes everything within you to try keep a natural expression. You’ve never felt this involved in a memory, like you’re actually there and in control “Don’t we deserve better than that?”_

_Lexa just looks at you, her eyes flickering to your lips before she replies “Maybe we do”_

You blink again and suddenly you’re back, Lexa looking at you with a hint of concern in her gaze. You realise then how close you are to her, you’ve both leaned it that’s obvious but the fact Lexa is looking at you the way she is suggests that maybe you weren’t the one to lean in just as much as she was. The mirror is still in your hand and you squeeze the handle to ground yourself before sitting back in your seat. The movement seems to snap Lexa out of her trance and she also sits back, a small blush appearing on her cheeks which you can still see under the paint.

“Wanna see?” you ask, clearing your throat when it comes out as more of a whisper than anything else. She nods so you hold the mirror up, watching curiously as she sees her reflection.

She just studies herself at first, looking into the mirror as if she’s expecting the image staring back at her to change. She tentatively reaches her hand up to touch the black around her eyes. And as if something suddenly makes sense to her, her eyes widen. She just stares at herself, the hand that is close to yours holding the mirror up grips the handle with such strength you’re worried she might just snap it. Her breaths come out shakily as she continues to stare, her eyes still wide and her mouth now almost hanging open. You wonder if that’s how you look when you remember something, if so then no wonder Lexa always looks so concerned. It hits you all at once that she indeed might be remembering something. That sure makes your stomach drop.

“…Lexa?” you ask softly, moving your hand holding the mirror to cover hers. Her eyes snap to yours at the touch and she looks generally scared. “It’s only me, you’re okay” you add, trying to mimic the way she always talks to you.

It seems to work and her grip softens slightly on the mirror. You gently pry it out of her hand and set in on the table beside you. She looks just as lost and confused and at that moment you have never had such a strong desire to hug her.

“Clarke?” she asks feebly, her voice breaking slightly and you feel a deep pain in your chest. But with that pain there’s hope, hope that maybe she remembers. That maybe everything will be fine and you can both work through these confusing memories together.

“I’m sorry” she says, shaking her head as her hand finds yours. She squeezes it, flashing you a small smile “I have no idea what just came over me, I…I think it must be the sun. I’ve been running around all day without a drink”

You nod, letting her keep a hold of your hand as you reach for your bottle of water beside your chair with the other. She gratefully takes it, letting go of your hand to unscrew the lid. You watch her as she drinks greedily, her eyes scrunched closed.

“Thank you” Lexa says, a little out of breath as she passes you the water bottle back. You smile at her in reply, deciding maybe it was a terrible idea painting her face like that. Every time you look at her you feel something deep in your stomach stirring and you know it isn’t good.

“It’s my turn then, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, surprise me” you say, trying to lighten the atmosphere. It seems to work because she smiles, shuffling closer as she inspects the paints obviously planning what she’s going to do.

“Close your eyes” she says with a smile “I want it to be a surprise”

You do as she asks, closing your eyes and trying not to get lost in a memory. You flinch just as she did when the paint brush first touches by the side of your eye. The paint is cold but you get used to it, the fact Lexa has a hand on your face at nearly all times helps that. You never realised before but she really does like to touch you. When you first met her it’s as if she was scared to touch you, but as you slowly became friends she became more and more bold. The little touches became more and more until now where it’s completely normal for her to touch your arm to get your attention, or grab your hand to stop you.

“Okay, finished” you hear her say as she places both her hands on your cheeks, turning your face form one side to the other as if to inspect her work. You open your eyes then, meeting hers and seeing that perfect smile stretched across her lips. She holds up the mirror to you, waiting for you to grab it and look at what she’s done. And you do, you take it from her and look in confusion at what she’s done.

She’s given you war paint similar to her own to the side of your eyes. On closer inspection it looks an awful lot like what you wore on the day that you bowed to her. Or how when your make up had smudged that day in the bathroom when you were out with her. You guess that’s what she’s trying to reference too, when it had smudged and she’d looked at you as if she recognised it.

The thing that startles you the most though is that she’s painted her symbol on you where she used to wear it. It’s painted delicately in gold paint and looks almost exactly how you remember it. You look to her over the mirror, desperately trying to see if this means she remembers anything. But if she does she isn’t letting on, she’s just watching you waiting for a reaction.

“It looks weird on me, you’re the one who should be wearing it” you say without really thinking.

“Why would I wear it?” She replies as if she knows exactly what you’re talking about. You panic as her eyes meet yours.

“Because it’s your design, you should be the one wearing it”

She raises an eyebrow at you in question “You kept drawing it wrong on the designs for the candles, so I thought I better draw it for you to show you”

“You could have just told me, and what happened to you not being an artist?” you ask teasingly and she grins.

“I guess I’m a little bit better than I first thought”

You’re about to reply when you see Aden running back over towards you. He stops a little away from you and you can see he’s studying you both, watching you as if he’s waiting for something to happen.

“Hey, Aden” you say gently, successfully drawing Lexa’s attention away from you. He eyes you both wearily but makes his way over.

“Are you okay, Aden?” Lexa asks almost immediately standing up from the chair to make sure he’s not hurt. He nods, holding his hand out and placing the change in Lexa’s hand. She smiles back at him, shoving the coins back in her pocket before placing her hand on his back “You wanna go see mama?” he nods.

You’re wondering exactly what happened to that chatty little boy you were talking to no more than ten minutes ago when he finally does speak again.

“Heda?”

You stare at him, wondering how the hell he knows that word, and why he’s calling Lexa it. He’s looking back at your cautiously as if he knows exactly what uttering that word would do to you. The only explanation is that he’s somehow made up a word in some game him and Lexa play that sounds similar. Because really this little kid can no way of been part of your previous life. It just isn’t possible.

“Yes Aden?” Lexa replies as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

“Can we get ice cream before we go?”

She looks as if she‘s actually thinking about saying no before smiling at him, “If you don’t tell your mama, then we have a deal”

Aden grins excitedly, giving Lexa a quick hug “Thanks Heda”

“Anything for you Gona” she says, reaching into her pocket and quickly counting the coins in her hand “Get us all one, we‘ll be right over” He nods, taking the money before making his way to the ice cream van by the entrance.

“Heda?” you asks softly, almost too afraid to ask. You want more than anything for her to turn around and tell you that used to be her title. That she was the commander of the twelve clans. Most of all that she remembers you and she loves you. But of course that won’t happen, you’re beginning to think she’ll never remember you.

“It means commander” She replies, already gathering the lids for the paints and trying to tidy them away. She looks up at you when you don’t reply. You’re still staring at her but you can’t help it. It sounds so strange for her to say her own title. Not that she knows that, she probably just thinks you’re being really weird and day dreaming or something. “Gona means warrior” she adds as if that helps “Aden likes to think of himself as a little warrior and made up his own language to go with it. Him and Anya seem to be quite fluent in it now. It’s easy enough to understand once you’re used to it really”

You want to tell her it’s not made up and that she understands it because it used to be her language. But you don’t, you don’t want to freak her out and make her never talk to you again. She’s just become your friend and you’re not sure you could deal with her leaving you now.

“Anya speaks it with him?” you ask gently as if you’re not sure you heard that right. She nods, placing the last of the face paints in your bag and handing you a wipe so you can wipe the table. You squeeze the wipe in your hand, watching as a little bit of moisture drips out of it and onto the table. This feels a little bit surreal, like this is just some weird dream. If it is a dream you want to wake up right now.

“Come on, I don’t think Aden is going to manage to hold three ice creams” She says, placing her hand on yours where you’ve wiped the same spot about ten times. She smirks, squeezing your hand “And I’m pretty sure the table is clean enough”

You all leave the park with your ice creams, Aden pretty much demanding that he hold both your hands as you walk back to the shop. When you arrive you’re met with a familiar face, one you recognise almost as easily as you recognised Lexa’s. She’s introduced to you as Anya, Lexa’s sister and Aden’s mom. She’s definitely someone you used to know, but you’re not exactly sure that she remembers you. She keeps giving you these weird little looks as if she’s trying to piece something together but can’t quite get it.

You remember odd things about her, like jumping into water with her as you ran away from something dangerous. Then you remember your fight, oh how could you possibly forget how you tried to kill each other and yet neither of you succeeded. There are constant little flashes before your eyes as you watch her walk around the shop, idly chatting with Lexa and Aden.

You remember how she died when her and Aden start playing a game and he pretends to shoot her. You half expect her to not get up again when she falls to the ground dramatically. But she does, she grins at Aden happily and grabs him into a hug when he runs up to her.

You watch them feeling a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach. You watched Anya die, she literally died in your arms and yet here she is very much alive and with another familiar face you’re sure you must have known. It seems surreal that you knew them, that so many people were involved in a life you still don’t fully remember. All you know is you were known as Wanheda the mountain slayer, and you lost your lover to a stray bullet.

“Well, we need to get back. You got this Lexa?” Anya says as she appears from the backroom holding a coat in her arms. Lexa says something to her that you don’t hear but Anya smirks and pats her sister on the back in that weird way older siblings always seem to do.

You’re so busy watching Lexa, that when Aden pretty much jumps on you for a hug it nearly makes you lose balance. You’re pretty much dragged to the ground until you’re half sitting half crouching on the floor with Aden’s arms wrapped tightly around you. You see both Anya and Lexa looking over and honestly they look sort of confused. If you had to guess you’d say it’s about the fact Aden is obviously normally a very shy kid around strangers and yet he’s just met you and he’s giving you this giant hug.

“Bye, Wanheda” he whispers in your ear before pulling away and taking Anya’s now out stretched hand. As they leave the shop you watch them go feeling as though Aden is someone who definitely meant a lot more to you than you first thought.

The door shuts and suddenly the silence is deafening. You turn to Lexa to see she looks almost nervous, it’s strange but you’re starting to realise she’s always a little bit nervous around you.

“Ready to show me those designs then?” she asks as she makes her way over to where you’re now standing in the middle off the room.

“As ready as I’ll ever be”

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

True to your word you take her out to dinner and you both keep your face paint on. It’s only the small Italian place by your apartment but Lexa seems more than happy. You spent so much time at her shop just messing around with flower arrangements and drinking way too much tea, that by the time you actually get to the restaurant it’s past 8pm. It’s a little late for dinner she comments, but you both know by now that it isn’t about dinner at all. You’re doing this because you don’t want to part ways with her just yet.

The waiter who seated you must think you’re a couple because he places you in the most secluded spot with a single candle burning in the middle of the table. You’re about to say something when you see the way Lexa’s eyes light up and the selection of candles there are at the side or your table for burning. You can’t take that away from her so you deal with it. Even if it does mean putting up with the waiter giving you little winks and nudges whenever he comes up to the table. The free bottle of wine he gives you makes up for that though.

You make small talk while you wait for your food to arrive. It’s mostly about the new delivery of flowers she’s due to get on Monday and how excited she is for it. You don’t really understand much of what she’s talking about but you listen, nodding along with her. You’re quite aware you have a smile on your face as you watch her, your head propped up by your palm as if you’re some love sick teenager looking at her crush. Then again when it comes down to it she sort of is your crush. There’s nothing going on between you two, and as much as you try to deny it you do really like her. You loved her in another life, those feelings just don’t go away apparently. Even if having a silly crush when you’re twenty-three seems beyond strange.

By the time your food arrives you’re both laughing over some joke she’s made and the waiter looks rather amused. He winks at you as he walks away and you have to resist the urge to roll your eyes. It seems you can’t have a totally platonic dinner date with your friend without someone thinking you’re dating her. It doesn’t really bother you though, you’re used to the looks and the comments, but you’re worried it might make Lexa run a mile. You realise then that you don’t even know if she’s gay, bi, or whatever. Just because she liked girls in your last life doesn’t mean she has to carry that onto this one. You want to ask, but you’re scared to hear the answer.

“So, Clarke” Lexa says smoothly, her eyes catching yours in the flickering candle light across the small table “Tell me a bit about yourself”

“What is this, our first date?” you ask raising an eyebrow at her.

“It just occurred to me that I don’t know anything about you”

You blink, not expecting that answer at all. You thought she’d joke back and then you’d fall into a comfortable silence to eat what’s left of your food, but apparently not. She’s looking at you with this sincere look and for the first time in your life you actually feel sort of loved. Like you’re important and everything you say she’ll listen to no question about it. It’s a nice feeling, it makes you feel warm.

“And what do you want to know exactly?” you ask with a smile. She shrugs, taking a sip of her drink.

“Age, dream job, what your parents do. The usual questions”

You’re not quite sure what the usual questions are but you go with it, answering what she‘s asked and hoping she’ll ask more. “I’m twenty-three, I don’t have a dream job, and my mom’s a doctor”

“A doctor huh?” she asks, swirling her wine around her glass as she watches it carefully “That’s a good job, what about your dad?”

Your breath catches in your throat as you realise she doesn’t know. Not that you shout it to the rooftops that your dad is dead, but you usually end up subtly telling people so you don’t end up in this exact awkward situation.

“He uh- he isn’t, I mean he‘s-” you stutter over your words, trying to convey exactly what you want to say, but you can’t. She looks up at you, her gaze full of pain and understanding once she grasps what you’re trying to say. Without a word she reaches across the table and places her hand over yours. You almost flinch at the contact, not expecting it and your eyes wonder from her face to where she’s now holding your hand.

“You don’t need to talk about it, I know how you feel” you hear her say and she squeezes your hand. There’s pain behind her words you can tell. You’ve learned to keep your voice steady when you talk about him but the pain never goes away. You can tell she’s lost someone too, although you don’t want to ask in case that makes you seem incredibly insensitive.

“My parents died when I was young” she begins as she pulls her hand back form yours “I was eight and didn’t really understand. Anya and I ended up living in foster care for a few years until my uncle took us in. It’s a boring story really”

You want to tell her that you doubt it is but you can tell that’s your cue to not dig anymore. It’s tragic, but also interesting learning about her. You don’t remember anything about her from before, you doubt she even told you about her childhood then.

“What about you?” you say suddenly, which obviously confuses her.

“What?”

“Age, dream job, the usual questions”

She smiles, her hand twitching as if she’s about to take yours again, but she doesn’t “I’m twenty-five, and the shop is my dream job” she says, her gaze meeting yours again “You said you didn’t have a dream job, Clarke. But working as a sales assistant isn’t what you want to do forever, is it?”

You shake your head, a smile pulling at your lips “No, but I’m still figuring it out. I’ll find something I like that also pays the rent eventually”

“What about your art?”

“What about it?”

“Surely you must have considered selling it, or doing commissions. There are many ways to use your artistic skill”

“Art isn’t a profession, it’s a hobby at best. It’s not the answer to my problems and probably won’t ever be”

You feel her eyes boring into you as you look down at your now fidgeting hands. You don’t often say such negative truths like that out loud, but with her you feel you can say anything. She makes you comfortable and has this weird ability to pull any sort of truth from you.

You sigh, trying to break the now tense atmosphere “I think we need more wine”

She grabs your hand when you reach for the bottle and you look up. She’s looking at you in that intense way again, how she used to look when she was the commander. That look still makes you feel weak, you remember it did back then too. She’d look at you and it was like your world was collapsing on itself.

“Clarke, don’t ever talk about something you love like that” her voice is low and it’s like a warning. You take her warning and expect her to let go of your hand and move on, but she doesn’t. Her hand lingers on yours for another moment too long and when she realises she lets go and goes about pouring you both more wine.

“So, I’m guessing you don’t have a boyfriend?” You say in some desperate attempt to break the still tense silence that’s fallen upon you. She looks at you as if you were speaking another language and then shakes her head slowly.

“I haven’t had a girlfriend for quite some time”

_I lost someone special too. Her name was Costia, she was captured by the ice nation who’s queen believed she knew my secrets. Because she was mine, they tortured her. Killed her, cut off her head._

It’s hard to determine since she’s sitting right in front of you, but you know that was in your head. Of course you’d remember something she said to you once when it isn’t important, you don’t want to know about what she was like back then, you want to know this Lexa, find out what her life has been like. You’re aware if you only ever remember memories about your pasts, then you’re only just pushing your feelings onto her.

“What about you?” she asks as she watches you take a quick swig of your wine. You’ve never been an elegant drinker, not like she seems to be. The way she’s holding her wine glass so elegantly looks like something straight out of a movie.

“I dated a guy a few years ago but it didn’t end well. I’ve not been serious with anyone since then”

“I can understand that” she replies, a small frown on her face as she looks at her now empty plate.

“Relationships suck, right?” you say with a small laugh but her expression doesn’t change.

“They bring pain and loss that you didn’t think was possible” She barely says it loud enough to hear but you still hear it. You’re not sure what to think, what to say. What are you supposed to say when someone says that to you? You have a feeling if you stay here the conversation will only get more depressing.

“Hey” you say as you fish your purse out your bag and set it on the table “Lets get out of here”

She seems to snap out of whatever trance she’s in at your words and just looks sort of confused. It’s as if she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said and you’re just now standing by the edge of your table and she has no idea why. Maybe she does have no idea why, maybe you’re not the only one known for day dreaming. Hell, maybe she even remembered something. Whatever has happened she doesn’t seem too eager to tell you. Her confused look eventually subsides into a more curious one.

She doesn’t expect you to take her hand when she stands, that much is very clear by the way her eyes widen and her cheeks turn pink. “C’mon Lex, lets go” you whisper, probably leaning into her way too much but at that moment you don’t care. She nods, leaning against you slightly before you lead her to the podium near the entrance where the same waiter is watching you yet again.

“I hope you enjoyed your meal, ladies”

You want to roll your eyes at him but you just hand him the note you have in your hand “Keep the change” you hear him calling after you as you leave but you don’t turn back. As soon as you’re outside you feel the strange tension leave you. You take a deep breath of fresh air, feeling a lot more calm and content than you have in the last few hours.

You don’t even realise you’re still holding Lexa’s hand until you start to walk in the direction of your apartment and something stops you. You look back to see Lexa just standing there, her hand outstretched and still holding yours. You go to drop her hand but she holds on so you don’t. You make your way closer to her, until you’re standing right in front of her. Your fingers are somehow now laced with hers and there’s this real vulnerable look in her eyes as she stares at you.

She’s close enough to kiss, to touch and it’s all you can think about. How you desperately want to pull her closer and feel her lips against yours. You’d blame the wine of you’d had more than a glass but you haven’t. You’re entirely sober and your want for her is so completely conscious and real that it scares you a little.

“Clarke” she whispers your name and for the first time you don’t want to hear her voice, you want to shut her up with kisses that leave her breathless. But you can’t, you can’t and you won’t. You manage to push the urge to kiss her away and bite your lip as you step back from her.

“Come on” you say giving her hand a soft squeeze. Holding her hand can’t do that much damage and she seems to want you to hold it. Some friends hold hands all the time, it isn’t a big deal.

“Isn’t it a bit late for a walk?” she asks teasingly and you’ve never been more relieved to hear her making fun of you. You hate to admit it but she really scared you back there. You’ve seen her with that same far away look in your dreams when she talked about death and war. You don’t want her to be upset. It’s ridiculous you’re quite aware but you want to live in this fantasy little world were everything is okay and she’ll always be happy. Somewhere where you’ll always be happy too.

You’re taking the long way back to your apartment, enjoying the peace of the night air with her hand in yours. It’s almost like a dream, a good one where there’s no war and you can just be with her.

“Tell me about him” she says suddenly, glancing at you before looking ahead again.

“Hmm?”

“The boy you dated, tell me about him”

You do wonder why she has a sudden interest in him but you shrug it off, figuring she just wants something to talk about. You can talk about him Finn, he’s done plenty of shitty things you’ll happily bitch about to anyone who will listen.

“His name was Finn. We started dating in high school and at first he was great, perfect even. My friends even used to be jealous” you say with a small laugh “They thought we were the perfect couple. You know how you get those couples who just seem like they’re gonna stay together forever? Yeah we were like that”

“What happened?” she asks quietly, still not looking at you.

“He didn’t like the fact I was bi, thought I was doing it for attention. He never took me seriously, always telling his friends that it just meant he was gonna be in a hot threesome one day. And of course it turned out he’d been cheating on me for the last year of our relationship”

“…I’m sorry”

“That’s not even the worse bit, he lied to my friend to try sleep with her too. Told her we’d broken up so she wouldn‘t feel bad about it. I wouldn’t have even known if Raven hadn’t told me. He’s just-”

You stop when you feel Lexa’s arms wrap around you tightly. You weren’t aware you’d stopped walking or even let go of her hand. But you must of because you’re standing in the middle of the street in her arms. It’s bittersweet and you honestly feel as though you could cry. You always get so frustrated when you talk about Finn, angry tears are the only sort that seem to come now when he’s brought up. A sob escapes your throat and you curse yourself for looking so weak and stupid. The tears haven’t fallen yet and you screw your eyes shut tightly to stop them.

“I’m sorry” she repeats as though it’s all she can say. It is all she can really say though. You know you’d be exactly the same in her situation, not knowing where the line is and how not to cross it. Instead of words she shows you what she wants to say by the way she hugs you tighter and gently runs her fingers through your hair. It’s comforting, calming and her touch makes you practically melt. You want her to hold you like this all night long.

“Aw fuck, not more lesbos”

Lexa lets go of you reluctantly and all but glares at the man who seems to have just emerged from the building across the road. By the way he’s swaying slightly you’d bet it was probably a bar he’s just come from.

“Come on” Lexa says quietly, placing her hand on your back as she tries to lead you away, but the man calls to you both again.

“Aw no, don’t go” As he calls to you he steps into the light of a street light. Your heart about stops as you realise exactly who he is. He seems to recognise you at the same time because his frown turns into a wide smile as he raises his arm and waves.

“Clarke! Long time no see”

Lexa cautiously looks from you to him and back again. “Clarke?”

He approaches you both, grinning wildly. Lexa takes a small step forward so she’s standing in front of you almost protectively. You want to reach out and pull her back, tell her it’s okay and he’s no one to worry about, but really you’re not sure if that’s the case.

“Hey, Finn”

She realises exactly who he is too and her glare returns. He looks between you both, his smile disappearing as he see’s Lexa’s glare. If looks could kill he’d surely be dead by the amount of malice in her eyes. His eyes meet yours and something shifts. Your hands begin to shake by your sides as you realise you recognise him. Not from when you knew him a few years ago, but from when you were that blonde girl who fell from the sky. There’s a flash before your eyes and you can’t stop the gasp that escapes your mouth.

_Lexa is standing in front of you, her face blank as she stares at you. Her war paint looking exactly as you’ve painted it on her today. “You cannot stop this”_

_“No, only you can” you say with no control over what you’re doing._

_You look around to see there are hundreds or grounders surrounding you. Off to your right there’s another large group of people gathered all inside a fenced off area. You recognise this as somewhere that’s never been quite a home but the closest thing you have to one on the ground. Arkcadia, or Camp Jaha as it was formally known as. There are shouts to your left and you see someone being dragged towards you. You know it’s Finn before you even see him. His arms are bound together as he looks around nervously, his eyes widening when they catch sight of you._

_“Show my people how powerful you are, show them you can be merciful. Show them you’re not a savage” You say with your voice low, trying to keep your calm but obvious you’re worked up. That’s when it hits you that Finn is in trouble, deep trouble and he’s about to be killed for whatever he’s done._

_“We are what we are” Lexa replies with the same steady voice as if she feels nothing._

_“Then I’m a killer. I burned 300 of your people. I slit a man’s throat and watched him die. I’m soaked in grounder blood, take me instead.”_

_“Finn is guilty”_

_“No, he did it for me” You find yourself saying, tears in your eyes and your voice cracks. Your heart feels like it‘s being ripped out your chest “…he did it for me”_

_“And he dies for you”_

_“Can I say goodbye?” You ask after looking into Finn’s terrified eyes. You’ve been sent here to kill her, that’s what your people want. But killing Lexa would start a war, a war you could never even fight._

_You see her advisors look to her, watching for her reaction. She doesn’t give much away in how she‘s feeling but you see something cross her face before she lowers her eyes as a sign to say you can._

_You run to him, pressing your lips against his and you feel that he‘s trembling. You’re both crying and you’ve never seen him look so pitiful. You tell him you love him too, you’ve never said it back until now and even that news doesn’t seem to help him. He’s still trembling like the scared little boy he is when you hug him._

_“You’re gonna be okay” You say as you carefully slip the blade hidden up your sleeve into your hand “you’re okay”_

_He winces but smiles when he realises what you‘re doing, even he knows death by your hand will be quicker and less brutal than by the commander‘s “Thanks princess”_

_When you step away form him your hands are covered in his blood, and you hear a loud scream from your camp. You don’t have to look to know it’s Raven. After all, you have just killed the love of her life._

Your vision clears and your back to reality, Lexa still with her face paint looking vicious as hell as she stares down the boy she made you kill in another life. It makes you feel conflicted, confused to how you managed to fall in love with someone who made you murder someone you cared so deeply for.

“Oh I get it” Finn says with a sneer “This is your newest girl then? Still into the whole pretending to be straight but fucking girls thing?”

You want to groan and shake your head at how stupid he is, but you know it will just make him angrier. He’s always had a bad temper, especially when it comes to trying to explain things he doesn‘t understand “It’s called being bi Finn”

“It’s being a fucking cock tease is what it is” He pretty much spits back in your face. You try hold your ground, hold his stare but you’re aware Lexa already has that covered. She’s holding onto your arm and glaring at him in the way she once glared at you as the commander when you first met.

“Clarke, let’s go” She says calmly, taking a step to the side and trying to drag you away with her by the hold she now has on your hand. Finn seems to have other ideas though and reaches out to grab her arm. As soon as he makes contact she freezes, her eyes back on him in that threatening way.

“You don’t want to go home with Clarke. Believe me, you need a man in your life”

“I’ll politely decline that offer” she says practically through her teeth and she snarls at him. He must think it’s greatly amusing because he actually smirks.

“What’s your name pretty thing?”

She stays quiet still trying to stare him down when he raises an eyebrow at her as if to challenge her. She takes his challenge head on “Lexa”

“Lexa, huh. You sure like the ones with weird name’s Clarke. What was the last one Niyo or something?”

“Niylah” you correct him, wondering if you should wait this out and see what Lexa does or try drag her away now.

“She was a skank too, just like this one is I bet”

You’re not sure exactly what triggers it but a fury surges through you and you step towards him with such power that he actually lets go of Lexa’s arm. “Don’t you dare say that about her”

He’s taken aback obviously but recovers quickly, a scowl taking over his features “Or what Clarke? What are you gonna do?” He steps closer into your space and you realise that the surge of confidence you just had has placed you in a very dangerous situation.

“You’re nothing but a bully Finn”

“A bully huh?” he asks, the anger and annoyance incredibly evident in his voice “I’ll show you a fucking bully”

He raises his hand to hit you and you flinch, closing your eyes tightly and waiting for the impact. But it doesn’t happen, instead you hear him grunt and you open your eyes to see Lexa practically growling at him as she clutches his arm tightly. He looks furious but she’s obviously a lot stronger than she looks because he can’t move against her.

“Back off, sky boy” she says her voice low and dangerous, making your stomach drop from not only the name she calls him but the way she says it. With her face paint on she looks very much like commander, protecting you like she’s done so many times before.

“You bitch!” he shouts, trying to hit her with his other hand but she’s too fast for him, successfully blocking his hit before twisting his arm roughly behind his back. He screams in pain and she takes that as her cue to kick him in the back of the knee. He falls to the ground, instantly cradling his quite possibly broken arm when his hands are free.

You’re still staring at him now crying curled up on the ground in pure amazement when you feel Lexa tug you away by your arm. You let her lead you a good distance away before you even think about questioning what the hell just happened.

“Lexa-”

“I don’t normally do that. I don’t hurt people” she says still dragging you along, obviously not wanting to stop to talk about it.

“It’s okay, he deserved it” you say, waiting for her to respond but she doesn’t. She just keeps walking and you realise that she has no idea where she’s going because she’s just missed the turning that leads to your road. She’s angry, frightened, maybe both at the same time, that much is obvious.

“Lexa, it’s okay-”

“It’s not okay Clarke!” She shouts, turning on her heel to face you and you see she’s not angry at all. Her eyes are wide and if you didn’t know better you’d swear you can see tears welling in them. You have no idea how to react. She may have just acted like the great commander of the blood by protecting you, but the way she’s looking at you as if she’s about to break is enough proof that she isn’t that strong commander Lexa you used to know. She’s this soft sweet girl now. Maybe she remembers odd things, or finds the things to say in her mind just like you do. But she is different, she isn’t the Lexa you remember exactly.

“You’re taking us the wrong way” you say softly, watching her face carefully as several different emotions flicker across it. She’s surprised obviously, she’s expecting you to talk about the fact she just single handedly made a grown man cry. But you won’t say anything about it. She was protecting you so if anything you should thank her for it, but you’ll do that later.

“I’m sorry”

“No need to be sorry for getting lost, my mom still gets lost trying to find my place”

She smiles at that and you’re happy you can still lighten the mood even after everything strange that’s happened tonight.

“Come on, stay at mine tonight” she nods in response, following you silently as you take her down the right road and eventually make it back to your apartment.

She’s still pretty shaken up when you get in. She’s nervous and keeps clasping her hands together to try stop herself fidgeting. You get straight to making some hot chocolate to calm you both down and make her sit on the couch in your living room. You grab the wipes form your bag when you get back in the room and sit down probably a bit closer than you need to to clean the paint off her face. When you’re done she opens her eyes and they flicker straight to your lips. It’s probably because you’re so close and she’s worried that you might actually kiss her, but you like to tell yourself it’s because she actually wants to kiss you.

You find yourself getting lost in her once again and quickly excuse yourself to the kitchen where you make the hot chocolate and pretty much lecture yourself on why you can’t make any sort of move on her. You just can’t, she doesn’t remember and it isn’t fair to force your feelings onto her. You’re just her friend as far as she’s concerned.

Once you get yourself together you find her in the living room and give her a mug, watching her over your own as she drinks slowly. She smiles at you when she notices you watching and it embarrassingly makes you blush. She thinks it’s cute and laughs, that makes you blush even more.

You sit and chat idly, both happy for the warmth your mugs are radiating because it’s unusually cold in your apartment. Once you’re both done you suggest moving to the bedroom which gets you the typical eyebrow raise from Lexa and to reply you give her your signature eye roll.

All innuendos aside you do go to bed, both of you changing into your shirts and underwear to sleep in. You do feel a little weird being next to her in such little clothes, well more worried you won’t be able to control yourself. But you’re not a crazed horny teenager, you’re an adult and you’ll be fine. Plus you’ve slept in a lot less with both Raven and Octavia spooning you from each side.

“Clarke?” Lexa asks you quietly when you’re both lying in the dark, both very obviously awake but not wanting to disturb the other.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for today” she says, a yawn stopping her from saying any more.

“It’s no problem, face painting may not be my speciality but I’m glad to help”

“No, not just with that. Thank you for being so good with Aden, for all the help in the shop, and of course for dinner” she turns around to face you, misjudging her distance and banging her knee softly against yours where they’re curled up. She pulls a silly face at herself and it makes you smile.

“I really enjoyed myself today” she says mirroring your soft smile and you swear you feel your heart miss a beat. She looks stunning in the moonlight that’s somehow fallen across her face although you’re sure the curtains are closed. Her eyes are drooping ever so slightly and if you thought she looked pretty when she was fully awake she looks damn gorgeous when she’s sleepy.

“Me too, I guess that means we should see more of each other”

She makes a noise of agreement, her eyes completely closed now as she obviously starts to drift off. You watch her for a moment, completely captivated by her beauty. When you open your mouth to say goodnight, something else comes to mind. It’s been a long day and you’re too tired to fight it off so you let whatever your mind is telling you to say be said.

“Reshop Heda”

You know instantly that you’ve said it to her before. You see her face in your mind when you close your eyes for a second, the surprise evident at the use of her own language. You open your eyes again to see her smiling sleepily and you can’t help but move the hair out of her face. Your hand stops on her cheek, your eyes wide as you hear her reply.

“Goodnight, ambassador”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spotify playlist for this fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/112717816/playlist/2IGp86Tztp57zMyCzXNGkR

“Lexa”

She’s staring at you with that look of shock you should be used to by now. You want to think this is different, that somehow the bullet missed her and she’ll be fine. But sure enough her hand shakily reaches down to the hole in her stomach, staining her hands black. She meets your eyes before she falls to the floor and you drop down with her to try catch her. Titus is at your side in an instant and you want to scream at him to go away and to let you just cradle her in your arms as she dies since you know its inevitable now.

“Help me get her to the bed” you say although you don’t want to. Its just playing out in front of you and you have no control. If you had any control you know you would have thrown yourself in front of that bullet to save her.

Everything is a blur as you frantically ask Titus for something to stop the bleeding and try save her. When her eyes met yours it’s clear Lexa knows it’s over, that this is where her life ends and each time you see that look your heart breaks just a little bit more.

“Don’t be afraid” she manages to say between pained breaths and you wish it was you lying there dying, you want it to be. You would give anything to switch places with her.

“Stay with me” is all you can say to her as you try your best to place pressure on the wound and save her. But by now Titus has his tools out beside you and you know it’s too late. You know it’s always going to be too late to save her, she’s dead and your mind is just torturing you by showing this over and over again.

Although this time it feels so real, when her hands cover yours on her stomach her skin is warm and comforting. Like this is real and you can do something differently to save her. For one tiny moment there’s this hope that flares up in your chest that makes you think you’ve somehow gone back and you can save her now.

“My spirit will choose wisely” she says weakly and you want to scream at her.

“No, I’m not going to let you die”

“There’s nothing you can do” she lets out a shaky breath, her eyes meeting yours again “The next commander will protect you”

“I don’t want the next commander. I want you”

She’s taken aback. No, you see her actually flinch. Her eyes fill with tears as it obviously hits her that you love her, that you’re not just concerned about your people and its her you care about. She loves you too, they’re words that remain unspoken between you both but you both know. That’s what makes it all the more heart breaking, how you wish you could say those words out loud.

“You were right Clarke” she starts, the tears in her eyes spilling out to the sides as she gives you a small reassuring smile “Life is about more than just surviving”

You want to laugh, to laugh at her and mock her for using your words. She once told you that love was weakness, you start to wonder if she was right. Your vision blurs and you try to blink the tears away.

“Clarke”

A hand lands on your shoulder and you spin around, about to tell Titus not to touch you, but no ones there. You turn back to Lexa but the bed is empty, the whole room is. You look around frantically trying to figure out what’s going on but a sudden burst of dizziness hits you and renders you useless. The world spins around you and you feel tears finally dripping down your cheeks as you scream.

“Clarke!”

You open your eyes and sit up with a hand clutched to your chest. Something warm touches your arm and you jerk away from it, your wide eyes looking to your right and finding Lexa sitting there staring at you. Her arm is still hovering in the air where she touched you and she looks almost hurt that you moved away.

You should be relieved that she’s beside you and alive, but you’re not. It makes it all the more painful to see her looking at you with the same concern shining so impossibly brightly in her eyes. She doesn’t remember you, she isn’t your Lexa. Your Lexa died a long time ago and this girl will never be her no matter how much you want her to be.

The tears you awoke to are still dripping down your cheeks as you find yourself bringing your knees to your chest and curling up. You want to shut everything out and cry over a life you hardly remember. It’s exhausting and you hate it, sometimes you don’t want to remember but other times you wish you could just go back. Go back to being the girl that fell from the sky and fell in love with a brown eyed girl who was supposedly a savage leader.

“It’s okay” Lexa says softly beside you and you feel her hand on your back gently rubbing soothing circles into your skin “It was just a nightmare”

The sound of her voice only makes you sob harder. Her hand stops at the sudden noise but she only falters for a second. The bed shifts beneath her weight and you feel her arm wrapped around you and her weight heavy against your side. You want to turn around in her arms and let her hold you properly but you’re sort of scared to look at her. You know she’ll be looking at you with that same sympathetic look and you don’t know if you can deal with it.

Eventually the tears stop and your breathing seems to return to normal. She doesn’t take her arm away when it does, just keeps it securely wrapped around you as if to tell you it’s okay and she’s here.

“Hey” she whispers more softly than you’ve ever heard her talk before “You’re okay” you feel her other arm that’s been resting across your knee’s shift and she tentatively strokes your hair. You think you feel her press a small kiss to your shoulder but you can’t be sure.

“Sorry” you mumble, lifting your face from your knees and quickly trying to wipe your tears away.

“There’s no need to apologise, Clarke” she says your name in that breathy way you’ve just heard in your dream and it makes your heart ache painfully. You have to make a point of looking down her front to see she in fact isn’t bleeding. That she’s fine and it’s all just in your head.

“How long has it been?” she asks as she idly runs her fingers over your shoulders and back. If she notices the delighted shiver the ripples through you she doesn’t say anything.

“Hmm?” is all you can answer as you try resist the urge to reach out to her. You want to take her into your arms and hold her until you both fall asleep. You want to hold her and never let go so she can’t be taken away form you again. The fact she seems perfectly content tracing patterns into your skin over and over again isn’t helping matters.

“The nightmares, how long have you been having them?”

You find yourself covering her hand with your own where it now rests on your arm. You want to tell her not to worry and that it’s fine. But there’s also this part of you that wants to tell her it’s her that’s stopping you from sleeping. Seeing her death over and over again and it‘s affecting your everyday life because you just want it to stop. You don’t want to wake up in tears every morning, you don’t want any of it.

“What makes you think this isn’t just a one off thing?” you say, maybe a bit more defensively than you should. She looks hurt and goes to pull her hand back but you find yourself holding onto it, squeezing it and looking up at her to tell her you’re sorry.

“You’re exhausted Clarke, it’s pretty obvious you’re not sleeping well” she replies, moving your hand off your arm and cupping it in both of hers. She’s looking into your eyes with a look you’re not used to seeing, something you can’t quite read.

“I, uh-”

“Tell me” she says with new determination, that commanding tone you’re used to very present. It makes your stomach flutter. That look and her voice, it almost makes it seem like she’s back to how she used to be.

You want to tell her but honestly you’re scared. You’re scared that if you tell her she’ll think you’re too messed up and you can’t lose her. There’s also that fear that it’ll trigger a memory for her. As much as you want her to remember you’re scared about what will happen when she does. Will she be the same or will she go back to being that serious commander Lexa you once knew. You’re not sure what will happen or how to deal with the outcome.

“I have them too” she mumbles quietly when you don’t answer. So quietly in fact that you’re sure you must of misheard her. “They’re not every night but they happen often enough”

“…What are they about?” you find yourself asking and she gives you the hint of a smile as she lets go of your hand and gently eases you back by your arm until you’re lying down beside her again. You move onto your side using your left arm as a pillow as you look at her, she mirrors your position before she answers.

“I don’t know” you just wait, expecting her to continue but she doesn’t. Maybe she’s lucky enough to forget when she wakes up unlike you, or maybe she’s lying for the very same reason you don’t want to tell her what yours are about.

“I see this girl sometimes…she-” she cuts herself, her eyes meting yours before she seems to dismiss whatever she was thinking “I don’t remember much, just that they don’t make sense”

She lets out a sigh as she turns onto her back and looks up at the ceiling. Your mind flickers back to your dream and you see her with that unsure look as she stares up at you. You try to tell yourself it’s okay and this isn’t some shitty reality where she’s dying. That she’s fine and you’re being stupid. But when you look back she’s looking at you with the exact same look and you swear you see the black blood dripping from her mouth.

You don’t realise you’re shaking until she slips an arm around your waist and shuffles closer. You’re both lying on your sides just staring at each other as if waiting for something to happen. She’s so close you could kiss her and before you can stop yourself you find your hand is on her cheek. She’s looking at you with big wide eyes and you can see that love shining in them. You think that maybe, just maybe she remembers you suddenly and she’s playing dumb as some sort of a cruel joke. But you look at her eyes again and the love isn’t there, not like how you see it in your mind.

Her eyes are sparkling with that little glint as she looks at you with a smile. It may not be love but it’s pretty clear she feels something for you. If that’s the adoration that comes with friendship then it’s better than nothing. With your hand on her cheek and her arm around your waist you feel that warmth in stomach and it’s nice. It makes you feel content, maybe even a little bit happy to have her this close.

With her eyes still on yours you feel yourself leaning into her, wanting to kiss her more than ever and you can’t stop. You panic. You cant kiss her no matter how much you want to, it just can’t happen. So you quickly squeeze your eyes shut and clear your throat to try snap you both out of it. It seems to work and her eyes widen slightly as she realise just how close you both are.

“Are you okay, Clarke?” she asks sounding so incredibly formal and maybe a little bit nervous. It makes you smile.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. We should probably get back to sleep”

She nods, making a small noise of agreement at the back of her throat. You expect her to move away from you but instead he keeps her arm around you and lies back against her pillow with a small sigh. You lie there staying as still as you can to see if she actually does go back to sleep.

Within a couple of minutes her breath evens out and you can tell she’s fast asleep. You sort of envy her then for actually being able to fall asleep so quickly it takes you ages to get to sleep every night yet she just fell asleep almost instantly. You wonder if maybe she feels safe with you and that’s why, but soon dismiss the thought because really this isn’t some weird fairytale or something. You feel your own eyes drooping slightly as you stare at her through the dark, her words from only hours ago still in your head. You have no idea if she remembers anything, if she does you just wish she’d tell you so you don’t have to keep second guessing everything you do around her.

You close your eyes and wonder if things will ever be as they once were between you two, how you think they should be.

When you awake several hours later to find your legs tangled together with Lexa’s with your head on her chest and her hand combing through your hair. You’re both half asleep and with the morning light filtering through your cheap curtains this feels almost like a dream. But it isn’t, you can hear her heart beating steadily against your ear and feel her lips press gently against the crown of your head when she thinks you’re still asleep. It occurs to you all at once that this is where you belong, right here in her arms. Now you know what it feels like, you never want her to leave ever again.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************

On Monday morning you open your door to Find Raven waiting for you on your door step with a mischievous smile on her face. When your eyes meet hers her smile widens and before you can stop her she’s rushing past you into your house.

“Yes Raven, of course you can come in” you say as you shut the door behind her. You hear her laugh from where she is in the doorway to your living room. You go to follow her but by the time you reach her she already has your bag in her hands and is smiling that same mischievous smile at you.

“What are you planning?” you ask her as you cautiously accept your bag from her, looking inside half expecting something to jump out at you. Raven has always been known for her pranks and you wouldn’t be surprised if she’d put a frog or something equally weird in your bag. It’s not like she hasn’t done it before.

“What me? Planning something?” she says with faux hurt “I would never”

“Uh huh”

“What have I ever done to make you think I’m up to something?”

“Last time you came into my house like this it was to contaminate the jellybeans with those awful flavoured ones”

“Oh come on that was great” she says with a grin and you have to try your hardest to tell her it was not that funny when Octavia spent the next five minutes throwing up because of them. She see’s the way you’re looking at her and it’s like she can read your thoughts because the smile falls from her face and she looks just the tiniest bit guilty.

“I promise I’m not up to anything, I just need your help with something”

“And what’s that?” you ask giving her a quick look before you go back to feeling around your bag for anything that might be lurking. You swear you really do trust her, just not when she’s had her hands on your things.

“One of the girls at work is having a kid and I’ve been put in charge in getting her a present”

“And you need my help picking a present? Didn’t know you were that bad with people Ray” you say with a smirk and she rolls her eyes at you.

“Shut it Griffin, I know what to get but I still need your help”

“Let me guess, you need my expert help of what colour scheme to wrap the present in”

“God your full of yourself” she grins, giving your arm a little nudge “I need you to take me to your favourite flower shop”

“My favourite flower sho-” you begin to say before it clicks exactly what she’s talking about. Her grin turns into a smirk as your cheeks flush slightly and you want to hit yourself for playing right into her trap.

“You could have just gotten the address off Google” you mumble grumpily and it just makes her laugh at you.

“Yeah but then I wouldn’t get to see this adorable reaction. Plus it would be a bit weird to go in there and introduce myself as your best friend without you there”

“I swear if you’re doing this just to meet Lexa I will-”

“Of course not Clarkey cloo, I just need some nice flowers and maybe one of those candles you seem to like so much” she replies with a smirk and you swear you’ve never wanted to hurt her more than you do now.

You find yourself sighing loudly before looking back to her now hopeful smile as she gives you her best puppy eyes. “God damnit Rayes. Okay you win, let’s go”

She fist pumps excitedly before making a mad dash past you to the door. You watch her carefully as she literally prances off and you begin to wonder exactly what the hell you’ve just agreed too.

Before too long you’re walking out of your street and along the same road you had with Lexa a few days ago.

“Soooo, have you slept with her yet?”

“Raven” you warn lowly but she doesn’t even look at you, way too fascinated with whatever has caught her attention to the left of her.

“What? Just askin’ is all” she says with a shrug finally shooting you a quick look and you can definitely see the smile she’s trying to hide.

It’s quit for about twenty second in total before her voice pipes up again “So have you?”

You actually groan and this time she can’t hide her smile at all. “No, she’s just a friend like I said”

“Oh come on Clarke, she’s hot as shit how aren’t you hitting that?”

“Because I don’t want to, and she’s probably straight anyway” you lie through your teeth knowing very well that Lexa is anything but straight and really you’d jump at the chance to be with her. You can’t explain that the feeling of joy and dread you feel when she even touches your hand. Raven would never understand, you’re not sure you really understand it.

“So is spaghetti until it gets hot” she says with a smirk and you have to resist the urge to groan out loud once again.

“Really Ray?”

“What it’s true, and it’s what you say to woo the straight girls”

“You tell them you’re going to boil them?”

“Nope, you say that then swoop in and chat them up while they’re still trying to figure it out”

“And how many girls has that worked on exactly?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know” raven answers with a wink and you make a very big effort to give her the biggest eye roll you can manage.

You carry on your stupid conversation until you’re rounding the corner to where Lexa’s shop is. Raven seems to notice the shift in the atmosphere and looks up to the building you’re approaching curiously before a wide smile spreads across her face.

“Sooo, since you’re not hitting it do I have permission too?”

“In your dreams” you scoff at her earning a loud laugh from her as you make your way to the door and push it open carefully. There are a few people milling around the place looking without much interest at everything. You notice the new display Lexa was excitedly telling you about the other day is on the counter by the till and it looks just as beautiful as in the pictures she’d shown you.

You expect to see her at the bench working hard on something but you don’t, in fact you can’t see her anywhere. She usually comes through into the front of the store when she hears the little bell above the door but there’s no sign of her. You start to panic, you haven’t heard form her since she left your house yesterday and that horrible feeling in your stomach returns as you think about the fact she could be hurt or in trouble. You’re about to turn to Raven and explain you need to find her when you hear a familiar voice.

“Clarke!”

Your eyes snap up to the doorway to the back of the shop and you see Aden running towards you with his arms outstretched and a giant smile spread across his face. He practically flings himself into your arms and taking you down to the floor with him like he had last time. By the time he has his arms securely around your neck your both in a heap on the floor laughing softly.

“Hey there” you say with a smile as he pulls back from the hug and your eyes meet his “How are you?”

“I’m fine thank you, how about you?”

“Wow, this kid has better manners than you do Griffin” Raven says clearly very amused by the fact you’re now sitting on the floor with a small child on your lap. Aden looks up at her curiously then back to you as if waiting to be introduced.

“This is my friend Raven, she wanted to come here to see your auntie’s pretty flowers” he gets of your lap and makes his way over to Raven, looking at her intently as if trying to figure something out.

“Clarke, so nice to see you again” you look towards where Aden had come from and sure enough Anya is making her way over to you, offering you her hand when she reaches you. “Sorry about him, he seems to really like you” she says with an apologetic smile as she pulls you to your feet.

“It’s okay, it’s kinda sweet actually” you reply, watching Anya as her attention seems to be immediately drawn to Raven who’s awkwardly trying to talk to Aden. You think she’s about to turn into one of those concerned parents but you see a small smile tugging at her lips as Aden beams up at Raven for whatever she’s just said.

“Lexa’s out for the day” Anya finally says when she turns back to you “Something about securing a contact with some suppliers. I’m sure she’s not too busy to answer a call if you really want to talk to her”

“What-” you start to say before you realise Anya must think you’re here with the sole purpose of seeing Lexa. “Oh, no. Raven needs flowers for someone at work and wanted to see the selection”

She raises an eyebrow at you like she doesn’t quite believe you and you shrug in response, desperately hoping she doesn’t see the light blush spread across your cheeks. You didn’t think anyone really noticed how much time you and Lexa have been spending together but of course Anya did. Lincoln probably knows too since Lexa seems so close to both of them and obviously talks about you a lot more than you think she does.

“So you’re Raven huh?” Anya asks as both Raven and Aden come over to join them. Raven studies Anya for a second before a cocky smirk appears on her face.

“And you’re the hot sister” Raven replies with a wink and you think you aught to quickly grab Aden and make sure he doesn’t hear or see any of this. Of course Raven would flirt with Anya, you really should have known better. You’re just a little bit confused to how they seem to know each other though since Raven hasn’t been with you any of the times you’ve been near either Lexa or Anya.

“I was wondering when you’d show up, your friend request has been bugging me for weeks”

“You could have just accepted it and then we could have had this meeting a lot sooner”

“After the message you sent I was convinced you were actually a teenage girl who really sucks at pick up lines”

“Oh, ouch” Raven grins at her “Way to wound my pride. Although bad pick up lines are something to expect after wine night with O”

“From that message it seems more than bad pick up lines are on your mind after wine night”

“Well, why don’t we have wine night together so you can see-”

“Come on Aden lets go look at the new flowers” You sad loudly successful grabbing both Raven and Anya’s attention away form each other before they say anything not suitable for the child listening to their whole conversation. You walk with Aden over to Lexa’s new display and study it carefully while Anya and Raven continue their conversation. It’s a unique blend of flowers that seem all too colourful to be real and the Priamthus’ seem to add to that almost magical feel they have. Aden seems to study them the same way you do before he speaks up a few seconds later.

“Do you remember?” He asks looking up at you with a way too serious look on his face.

“Remember what?”

“She gave you a bunch of the Priamthus’ while you stayed in Polis. She told you all about the wild flowers, she loved talking about them”

“She still does” you find yourself replying automatically as if it’s what you’re supposed to say it. You’re shocked to know that he remembers things you don’t but you’ve had a feeling that he knew form the moment he called you Wanheda.

“You remember her then?” He asks excitedly, his eyes lighting up as if it’s the best news he’s ever heard.

“Some things about her” You say unsurely, not exactly sure you should be talking about this to a seven year old boy. He should think you’re absolutely crazy, hell even you think you’re crazy sometimes for the things you catch yourself thinking about. But he isn’t just some random boy, he’s someone from your past who although you can’t remember you know he was someone you considered an ally, even a friend.

“Heda loved you” He says, looking at the flowers on the counter again “She loved a lot of people but she loved no one more than she loved you”

“Who are you?” you find yourself asking softly, not sure how to handle the thought that other people know just how much how much Lexa once meant to you, and how much she still means. You loved her and she apparently loved you just as much.

“Someone who loved her” he says simply, his gaze finally falling on you. “She was our teacher, she taught us what it meant to be Heda”

Something flashes before your eyes and you see a group of children sitting in front of Lexa in her throne room. She’s talking to them in that language and you understand the odd word but mostly you just watch her in awe. She’s leaning forward on her throne smiling gently at the nearest little girl to her. You never thought about how she would be with children until now and the answer is she’s actually pretty great with them.

“Talk her out of it yet?” you say to the man you’ve come to know as Titus.

“No, but maybe you can”

“I don’t understand, the queen’s not fighting why should she?”

“The queen’s strength is not in doubt, thanks to you, Heda’s is”

Lexa‘s loud voice draws your attention back to her “Lev yo op meija en mema yo in: Yo gada yo rein in kom yo Sheidjus” _Train hard and remember: You are each worthy of your Nightblood._

Titus calls to the nightbloods and leads them out of the room, that is until Lexa calls a boy to stay back. As you look at him you realise he’s the spitting image of Aden, that the Aden you know is this boy.

“Clarke, This is Aden” She says with a proud smile “He is the most promising of my novitiates. If I die today, he shall likely succeed me”

You look from her to Aden and back again. Lexa still has that smile on her face as she looks to you.

“Clarke worries about her people. Tell her what will happen when you become Heda, Aden”

“If I become Heda, I pledge my loyalty to the thirteenth clan”

Hearing his voice makes your head spin and your vision blur. You close your eyes to try ground yourself and when you open them you’re back in the shop with Aden waiting beside you patiently.

“Natblida” is the only word you manage to say as you look at this boy in front of you who is a lot younger but definitely the same Aden you’ve just seen. “You were-”

“A nightblood” He says, his expression turning from the serious one he’s been wearing to a slightly more carefree one “I don’t remember everything, but mama tells me stories of the nightbloods and how great and loved they were”

“Does Lexa remember anything?” you ask suddenly if somehow just saying the words out loud will make her remember. Aden looks at you for a moment before shaking his head. The smile that was on his face now replaced by a small frown as he looks at his shoes.

“Lexa doesn’t remember me” he says but then looks up at you with this strange sort of determination in his eyes “But I think she remembers you”

Your stomach drops at that and you can’t figure out why. It should be great news that she remembers you but there’s this fear within you that won’t be calmed when you think about the fact she could remember you. You’re pretty sure it’s the fact you’re the reason she was killed and you’re scared she’ll blame you for that. Or maybe even that she’ll remember and know everything that happened between you two. You still don’t know everything but you know something happened that drove you two apart and you don’t want to place that burden of whatever it was on this lovely carefree girl.

“Aden” Anya calls over shoving something into her pocket. If the smug look on Raven’s face says anything you’re guessing Raven somehow managed to talk Anya into exchanging numbers. You doubt anything will happen since from what you’ve seen Anya and Raven are way too similar personality wise to be a match, or even friends for that matter. But if it does, god help you all because they’ll not only be unstoppable but unbearable to deal with.

“Come on, it’s nearly time to close the shop for lunch. Say goodbye to Clarke”

Aden nods, smiling sweetly at Anya before turning back to you and tugging at your arm, you crouch down beside you and as soon as you do he wraps his arms around your neck and hugs you tightly. You hug him back, feeling a strange sort of relief flooding through you. As weird as it sounds he might be the only one who has any sort of idea how you feel.

“She’ll remember” He starts quietly, pulling away to look at you “but you need to help her remember”

“How do I-”

“You know”

And with that he walks away from you to Anya who takes his hand as they walk over to the only other person left in the shop who’s looking at some flowers by the window. Raven walks over to you, eyeing you unsurely as if she has no idea what just happened. You don’t really know what just happened either but you somehow know what he means.

“You okay Clarke?”

“Yeah” You say, a new feeling stirring in your chest that you don’t really understand. It makes you feel something strange, but something not entirely bad “Yeah I am”


End file.
